An average life

Life..

At times life appears like an endless blissful journey.

At times I wake up with a thud in my chest and unshakable nightmare.

I thought I have resigned to defining life since years ago. One step at a time lessen the burden of a troubled heart but still little facts about the world I live continues to haunt me every now and then. What is love and to what extend can you let someone to hold your heart? The question about who are our ancestors and what got into their mind when they drew the blueprint of caste  and social class? Why one man is above another? In what sense we raise up the status of a human being?

Maybe I am a hypocrite person to start with? Why we always wait for the fire to burn our fingers first before turning off the flames.Human nature? I speak up because it concerns me. What about those people who are silenced with law and fear? Who will speak up for them?

Perhaps life is a chain. It goes on in a loop. We tolerate with our fate, We confine ourselves to a hut of ignorance. In this way we might find a temporary contentment but peace will be hard to come by. Someday when you are all alone with your darkest thought, the truth will come knocking off all your conscience and I hope you have not left a single tile for regrets.

Here we are,
Arm in arms,
Heart to hearts,
Waiting in a haunted stop,
For the sky to fall,
When the world ends to a knot,
We will rise into one.

Goodbye 2013,We had enough of you. Hello 2014,Please be good

While everyone anticipating the arrival of the new year, I felt somehow burden and anxiety  filling up the dates of 2014. This year wasn't so kind to me but I wont deny the challenges and adventures that took place in 2013. I have traveled to many places inside and outside the country and have fulfilled 6 out of my 10 resolutions, carrying forward 4 to the coming year. Being financially independent helps me to fulfill my wishlist faster than I thought. One thing that I struggled and still struggling the most is getting consent from my mother who thinks I should get married first before booking for flights and carrying my luggage around the world.

Self identity and writing ,

The confusions are still there, I'm still navigating my way of finding the right path for me. Besides, I'm actively writing, (even though I don't post regularly here) because I want to write for myself, if people likes to read my blog,its kind of a bonus. But sometimes in Blogger I get distracted with amount of followers and comments which eventually affects me in some way. So until I get rid of obsessions over comments and over what others think of me, I will be limiting the posts.

What I'm expecting from 2014?

To be more braver in voicing out my opinions. Sometimes or rather should I say all the time, I feel as though I'm doing things to please/make others happy more that my own self. Seriously, its wearing me out and makes me tired and depressed. I don't want to say yes for lunch time invitation when I have no mood to eat.I need to learn to say NO rather than saying YES for something that I don't want to do.

Personality,

I'm getting rid of my old clothes lately, it is sort of cleansing my inner self, getting rid the pain of the past even though one can be very skeptical about it. But this ritual really forces me to get something good and new to wear even though after few days I go back to my old faded t-shirts. While other girls shops for new dresses and cosmetics, I filled up my room with books and more books and 2013 had really been a year of books for me. Maybe that's how I filled up the void in my heart. I don't know why, I never have any interest in improving my outer appearance. I'm just too comfortable in my 5 years old, worn out black jacket. And people who loves me doesn't care about how I look even though sometimes my mom thinks I should wear nice clothes more so that it will be faster for me to get married. I'm doing just fine being me.

Career,

Looking for new job prospects, going to attend interview soon for higher post coming January. Eleven people have applied for this job,only one position  available. Not sure who applied it though but I heard some senior colleagues are trying their luck as well. So far my performance have been good. At the same time I'm looking around for jobs in other departments as well. Hopefully I will get some raise in pay by Mid March.If not I''m leaving the company for good because i don't want to have a stagnant career and doing the same job for many years to come. This is not what I signed up for when I joined the company back in 2012.

Friendship,

Over the years especially in 2013, I have become more of an introvert. I changed my number and deactivate FB a number of times. The only reason I'm keeping FB alive because of the games. I find solitude to be so soothing. But its hard to be in solitary because people around wants to be with me all the time. They don't understand my needs to be alone. My friends think that I have forgotten them because I'm in a relationship or have found other new friends.  That's not the case actually, I just want to be alone in my room and read. My job requires me to speak for 8 hours daily. I just have no time to attend their calls and listen them gossiping about others. Nowadays I don't find anything in common with most of my friends. Most of the time, they invite me for shopping which I loathe so much. I know its not good to cut off friendship just like that, but many times I feel they weren't there when I needed them most and they can never understand me for who I am. I have few friends in Bloggers and M seems to be tagging along just fine with me. I think that should be enough for now.

Love,

If something that makes me go on despite all the hatred towards everything, it will be love. Everyday, I'm grateful to be still  in love, grateful to have someone who understands me well. Someone who's not ashamed of sharing the same plate of food with me in public. Someone who accepts me for who I am. Someone who is patience enough to deal with my madness. Its not easy to maintain a relationship despite of so many limitations between us. Some people are making it really hard for us and we are constantly struggling to keep things going.Life is surely going to be a bumpy ride, if not this challenge, it will be something else. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping 2014 bring some good vibes.

Overall it had been a very balanced year for me, some days ended in tears and some days begin with so much laughter. I hope 2014 will be a better one for all of us.

Happy New Year everyone, wishing you all a great beginning. :)

Prompt No 14: The day you started blogging. What were you thinking?

What I was thinking the day I started my blog? It was just a normal anonymous blog that I created to vent out my feelings. I would  like it to be an online diary that I can expect nobody in my family to sneak in my room and read or laugh to their hearts content. Some years ago, I found out that home isnt the safest place for my privacy when my elder brother read and laughed out loudly after reading one of my journal. It was more like a review of a movie that made me very sad. Since then, I still tried to write hard copy diaries but I cant keep up because the fear of intrusion is always there. And that was the reason I started this blog, The other side of me is more like an alter to my personality but deep down this place shows the real person I am.

One of the reason was not to waste any money or time consulting a shrink for all the tiny-miny problems that I'm facing.I personally believe this blog had done a greater job than what a certified psychiatrist can do. Although I shouldnt make this kind of judgement when  I have never consulted a shrink before but I'm glad this blog kept me insanely sane till now. If you know what I mean.

This blog had watched me grow into the person that I am now. Everything is recorded here,my usual rants on university assignements, stories about crushes that went wrong,some posts about family members and important events in life. This blog also provided me some skills in writing stories and cute poetries (in which I have stopped writing due to lack of imagination resulted from stressful lifestyle that I have chose for myself). Above all,I have gathered some good friends across the globe who will always be there whenever I need them. 

Coming this October 17 my blog will be celebrating its third year of anniversarry..
Special thanks to all of you who keep reading and supporting this blog :)

Time to move out and move on.

My dear readers, let’s do something today. Help me to pack up. It’s time to shift old memories and compact it into a box. Seal it with tapes, make it airtight. They shouldn’t be let out nor should anything else be let it. Grab the photo frames on the dressing table. It’s been haunting me for days. Bring it on all the letters and cards under the bed. They don’t have a place there anymore. Clear all the clothes in the wardrobe, each of them telling me stories about yesterdays. I’m all over it and after all they don’t fit me anymore.

Shut the windows and draw the blinds. Pull over the luggage and clear the pile of dusts on top. I need the luggage to pack up some lovely memories. This house had seen many good things too, can’t bear to leave them behind in a place with no occupants. Lovely memories need me as much as I need them. It’s not fair to push away our good fellows to the back line especially when all the punishment belongs to the wrong guy.

Don’t forget the china set which given by a lovely friend. Reminds me of that special birthday that I had years ago. That old bed sheet smells of something sad. Leave it at the same place, they shouldn’t been drag along to the new bed. Oh my! I really need to be careful when moving out those fragile stuff, they should be handled with care. As for now, I only have them with me.

The contract had been drafted. Lawyers had been hired. All I need is to pen down a signature and the house doesn’t belong to me anymore. Now comes, the last ritual, the most awaited moment. I closed the door and lock it for the last time. With a luggage on my hands and boxes on the track, I bid the final adieu to my old life. Here I am now standing on my doorstep, blowing goodbye kisses to the old keys and threw it away behind those hills. Who needs the old key when the new home is waiting to embrace me with a hug?

Goodbye my old life, you’ll be forgotten but will never be missed. In either ways, you are at loss, not me. I have a new life peeking me from the other sides, convincing me to dream and begging me to move on. I felt wind brushing through my hair. It’s time to leave my past behind, it’s too burdensome to carry it on to the future. Isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?  The past had taught me that some mistakes are too costly to be repeated. Memories is what makes us who we are but when it starts to haunt you, then it is best to be forgotten.

After all, we have only one life, why not live it to the fullest?

Hoping for some candy bars

When I was a kid,I used to fall sick frequently and its a normal routine for my parents to travel back and forth to the hospital.Even when I return now,the doctors will be showing my records and tell me how I had been a loyal paying guest to the hospital.

There was an episode where I had to be given an injection on my back and of course being a kid I was terribly afraid of that long-intimidating syringe. Before the doctor gets his needles ready,he starts a simple conversation such as ''What's your name?'' How old are you and then he jumped to '' what you wanted to be when you grew up?''

While I was there,having a silent war on my mind whether to answer Doctor or Lawyer, he was already done with that shot on my back.Then,all that follows was a complete silence except for that 'Ouch' sound from my mouth.

You see,he carefully distracted me from the pain by diverting my thoughts to wander somewhere else. Of course before I left the room, he gave me some candy bars that's more than enough to take away all the pain in the world. The point is I don't remember the doctor's face,what's more his name.I don't even remember how painful the OUCH was,but till today I can never forget those candies and the child-like grin on my face.

I'm doing the same thing now,distracting my pain to something else.I'm not running away or trying to fix things around me.I have decided to sit cross legged on the floor of the cliff and concentrate on the breath taking view from here.This time I am set with a blanket and a tent. Instead of letting the phone kept on ringing,I've decided to pick up the call.I'm not happy nor sad,I'm just contended and grateful for all the little things that I'm having right now.

I admit that my life wasn't shaping the way I want it to be,at times I wish I could hold the key to my own destiny. Perhaps,as the saying goes..'we cannot change the cards we are dealt,just how we play the hand' would be appropriate to be made as a reference in my book called life. 

Who knows one day,maybe I will be able to forget the pain and all I could remember was those tiny small victories in the form of candy bars..

One more thing, you don't always get a chance to stand on top of a cliff ....

Standing on top of a cliff

‘Depression is a big word,I wouldn’t prefer to use it to describe my state of mind’. Alex’s words echoes back to me.

I couldn't agree more with him few years back but now I want to borrow that word from the dictionary. Yes, depression, that feeling of standing on top of a cliff, not having the guts to fall and at the same time not wanting to make a U-turn. So I stand there, tormented by the heat, strangled by the cold with legs shaking and hands shivering. There’s a void inside me, it’s been there for quite some time. Sometimes I wish I could grab a stranger’s hand, drag her to a bench and tell her all the stories from the very beginning. But even when they are all ears, I couldn’t formulate a word. 

It’s strange, I have a good family (with some flaws of course) and good friends but then I don’t know what brings me to this cliff in the first place. I feel as though the freedom had been taken away from me, just like a bird, not trapped in a cage, but a bird with wounded feathers, wanted to make a fly but just couldn’t move its wings. It’s all started since the day I’ve graduated. Nothing seems to be exciting anymore. I just don’t know, I was searching for something beyond that I’ve lost track of time. When I look back it seems that I’ve wasted a lot of time chasing for something that’s never real.

There’s something bothering me in my head with questions and doubts that I couldn’t really decipher at this moment. I have to admit at times I just wanted to pack my things, sneak out of the house when everyone asleep and never ever returns back. Completely disappear from everyone and start everything all over again at a different place with different people where nobody knows me, but it ain’t that easy as it seems. I love these people too much that I can’t bear to leave them behind.   

I’m still there, on top of the cliff. It’s just a matter of time for me to gain enough energy to make a jump but I won’t because when the last time I was there, God send me someone that came and grab my hands, someone that assured me that I can still fly even with broken wings. Indeed God has always been benevolent towards me.

For now, I’m still waiting for a signal that could set me free from all this insanity that brings me to this place, waiting for that someone to come, grab my hands and teach me how to fly again.

And so I’ll wait because I have all the faith in the world....

Painting a dream

Let me paint you a dream,

Of a street boy receiving a scroll

Of a world with brothers and sisters

Of a border that I could pass with smiles

Of Jews and Muslims holding hands

Of humans that fear God

Of hugs that always returns

Of justice belongs to the poor

Of little bridesmaid and flowers

Of a dad holding his princess

Of a child that learns to fly

Of a boy becoming a man

Of a lady embracing her newborn

Of colours that blend in one

Of friendship beyond races

Of eyes that speaks love

Of hearts that dances in rain

Of a world without hunger

Colours & paint brushes all set

All I need is some sleep

For some dreams

Can only be seen

With closed eyes

In the dark

Tell me,do you dream?

The Reflection

Image source

   I saw the reflection of hers

On the mirror of a jawli shop

Slanting sunlight hurt my eyes

Doesn’t stop me from peeking her sides

Braided long snake hair

Telling me heart rending tall tales

Glass bangles dancing away

Spreading around musical chords

Red pottu attracting stares

Jasmine flowers luring bees

Leaving young lads drooling behind

Struggling to put her off their minds

Beneath her golden silk saree

Silver anklets playing hide and seek

Accompanying her every steps

Packing along honour and tradition

Of yesterdays and tomorrows

I haven’t told you something

That’s she’s black

And she’s a beauty!

-Jan 2 2012-

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be honest, I feel strange here.I don’t know how to make a come back ..A lot of things on my mind, but cant really scribble from heart right now. In fact I feel like an alien in my own country, spent exactly 30 days in India and all I could say was it’s a beautiful place to travel and trust me I never thought   winter could be that cold. I find myself constantly lost and found in a stranger’s land but still felt somehow there’s not much difference between me and them ..Eat,pray and lots of friendship… I guess I’ve grown up a lot of years in just a month. 

On another note,I know that I have emails to be replied,blogs to be visited and so on….will do that soon……

So for now,tell me how’s this post?

The anonymous side of the story

I always wanted to write on this issue of being anonymous in blogger but you see,some crap post will always win out my desire to write on this topic. Recently someone told me you cant be friends with anon.I was really taken aback of that statement. Why is that so? I have friends here who doesn’t know anything about me initially but they still talks to me like a friend (I would say more like a best friend).I told one of best blogger friend the real me only after few months and it doesn’t make any difference; we just get closer by time. Nowadays I’m being quite liberal on this anon thing. Another blogger just got to know the real me as well and it was really fun revealing my self to that person. I love the suspense involved.

Chintan’s recent post really stir a debate over this topic. It takes me about 10 minutes to read the post again and again just to come up with a comment that’ll do justice to me (others as well) and within those few minutes the post started to receive lots of comment and I ended up being fifth person to comment there and I was thinking that I’ll be the first one to comment there.When it comes to criticizing others, people just cant wait to comment right? I guess some doesn’t even read the whole post but started to jump into conclusion about anon bloggers being coward and they have this sense of insecurity and blah blah blah..The list goes on.

At first I was like really pissed off by their awful remarks but then I couldn’t stop laughing at their immaturity. They talked as if they know everything about the psychology of an anon bloggers.. as if they have done million years of research on someone being anon…. hey come one,its not a big deal at all. I don’t like them saying that anon bloggers are fakers and they are not real, it might hold true to some but there are a lot of anon bloggers who are really genuine with their words.

When I started the blog, I swear I never knew there is this circle of blogger that are so active blogging.I would have started blogging if I knew it earlier.when I say that I love all my followers I really meant it,Life has been wonderful because of you guys especially those bloggers who were there when I started the blog.Poonam was the first one to comment on my blog and since then people starts to flocks in my blog,trust me I don’t know what kind of magic that she cast on my blog. :D She’s really my lucky charm and that’s one of the reason she’ll remain a special one in my life. Then I got to know Alcina whom now had become one of my closest friend that I confide almost everything that happen in my life..and she does say my voice matches my personality :P

I’m so sorry if I had hurt anyone on this post.Being anonymous is purely a choice,it doesn’t make me a coward or a social freak who need some place to socialize. This is the only place that I’m anonymous,(I am non anon in FB and Twitters) I just need some space from the people that knows me.In that sense I don’t know anything about you guys as well apart from your names and does that picture of you tells the real you..No right? Somehow we are all anynomous without our names. I think its fun this way and yes I’ve improved a lot on my writing coz of the confidence that I gained from you guys.Come on guys,life is suppose to be fun… so stop judging others and let us live this moment and what’s in name,after all I am no different than all of you,(I don’t have purple bloods) I’m just like any ordinary girl who jokes,laugh,freaks out whenever I watched ghost movies and never miss the chance to wet my feet along the shores. We don’t have any rights to characterize someone on the choices that they make,anon or non anon,I am me and for God’s sake I do exist and trust me I’m really a girl. (some even doubts that) …

We can still be friends,even though we doesn’t know about each other.

Cheers.Peace.Smiles

Phew…that was a long post!!!!


P.S :Please feel free to state you opinion on this matter.You see,I don't eat people :P I hope I've done enough justice to me and other anon bloggers out there..Cheers to our anonymity !!!

P.P.S: Dear chintan,it was really a good topic to discuss about :D

A perfect beginning

Finally,

The darkness has set me free,

Lights are coming in

With a promise,

They will stay longer this time!

The storm has passed

The weeds are pulled off

As soon as the seeds are planted

The flowers start blooming

Amazingly!

Raindrops felt on my cheek

As a sign of blessing

From someone up there

And together with the rain

The tears are washed away

As I walk towards the unknown

I am no longer alone

There’s another hand

That’s perfectly fits mine

And the best moment is yet to come!

P.S: I realised that the rainbow can only be seen after a heavy downpour….