Contentment

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What is love? Is there a specific definition of love? 

How much can you love someone?

In a world that is obsessed with the idea of love, we find meanings in trivialities, we find hope

when we least expect it. Although we dread mundane routines, that’s what kept our sanity intact.

Some days we were over the moon, some days we can’t stand the pressure anymore.

Some days we were grateful for the moments we have, some days are not that good.

But in the wee hours of every night, my hands are constantly on the lookout of his. His hugs had kept

me warm and reassured. We have learned that this is what matters.

All those years of struggle, all those moments which passed by in vain, all those time we wasted

arguing over things that don't matter now disappears into shades of darkness, into an unknown abyss.

After all, we only have one life before time returns to fulfill it's obligations.

Are we still looking for definition of love?

Freedom of mind

Most of the time we let others to define our life. We allow their NO to dictate our behavior and makes our own self to be forever trapped in a dungeon of insecurities. Our actions are based on what 'others' will think about us. The truth is most of them don't even bother to spend more than 2 minutes thinking about what we had done that is not aligned with their set of belief.

Someone who is constantly belittle by their close circles of family will be most affected with this syndrome especially if it started during an early age. When I communicate with my nieces and nephew, I will always try to be kind and careful with words in which ever possible ways because any insensitive behavior could cause detrimental effect to their mind. A child should be taught on how to stand firm to his/her beliefs no matter what opinion the whole world has to say.

You can never be happy if you keep counting on how many people laughed at you for wearing that peculiar hat or the floral skirt. You will never be contended if you keep changing your style so that others will started to like you more. It certainly takes more than that to start a relationship with someone. Live your life for yourself and you will be surprised to find that the freedom in thinking will bring you to a higher place in life.

Maybe its the time to slowly disentangle your mind from the clouds of other's thoughts.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. ~Victor Borge

I was preparing for the International English exam. He helped me to cross examine my essays,correcting errors and giving suggestions on how to improve my work so that I can get good scores.After I was done with the essays,he requested me to read the article loudly so that he can check on my pronunciation for the oral test. He acted like a good teacher and I played along well. While I was engrossed in my task, he was slowly stuffing few packets of potato chips and a long bun into his laptop bag.The bag was filled with chip packets and that makes him struggle to even zip it. He pursed his lips, forcing the chips into the bag. Earlier, I remembered warning him not to buy it in the first place but he manages to slip it into the trolley.

I burst into laughter looking at the way he was doing that.

"No matter what happens to the world, your chips are more important" I said while I laughed till my belly ache.The mischievous look on his face and the cute greediness makes me laugh uncontrollably. He laughed together with me, realizing how funny he looked a while ago.

I don't remember when was the last time I laughed till my eyes get watery. Slowly my shoulder relax and I felt really good. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel happy like a child.

[Fiction] The reason of her life

Everyday seems like a battleship war, she struggles with her willingness to wake up in the morning.However her mother's voice can even move mountains and that's how she force herself to bid farewell to her comforting bed. Its like a breakup with her bed but its the kind of relationship that you will always return to. She drag herself to the bathroom,unable to put her feet together below the shower head. Sometimes she hopes there is a capsule hidden under the soap which she can magically transform it into a small fluffy bed and in that she can continue to contemplate on how miserable humans life can be at times.

"You planning to sleep there forever,aren't you? Hurry up, your brother needs to use the bathroom as well"

Her mother's voice break the bubbles of dreams that she's having in the bathroom. She remembered how her mother bought her brother the bicycle that she always dreamed of having when she was ten. Her mother is doing the same thing,anything in favorable for her son, the son that will carry the family crown someday.

"Uh,I really need to move out from this place" she mumbled.

''Maybe you need to keep your eyes open first''her mother said when she was about to enter the dining room instead of her bedroom. Surprisingly the amount of water she wasted couldn't divert her away from sleepiness.

The clock struck half past seven and she was still finding a proper shirt to pair with her grey jeans and not forgetting the amount of time that she need to spent on ironing her outfit. After a few moments of arguments on the taste of the coffee that her mother made, she barge out of the house at the speed of the storm.. For her, the freedom yet misery is outside there and a day in the house is a day wasted in the calendar regardless of how it ends.

The journey to the office will be filled with curse and she has almost drafted a complain letter on her mind to the Municipal Council on how awful their city planning is. The number of unwanted lanes and traffic lights has always been the reason why she throw fist in the air, battling the stress and the morning traffics behind her back.

"As always, someone is late" the bald head guy said while passing by her and she knew she's already 30 minutes behind everybody else.

The rage inside her heart was just been intensified but she manage to control herself to not create another enemy in the office. Who knows she might need the bald guy's help to manage her shifts one day. And yet she cant help thinking of how she hated herself for calling him a bald guy in her head and at the same instance she also feels that if  there's one guy who deserve that description,it is him for sure.

Slowly she walked to her cube, wondering how many emails that she needs to answer,and how much responsibilities climbing up the ladder to reach her shoulder. She hates to do a routine job. Perhaps a paid vacation around the world serves her needs more rather than sitting in a cramped office building walls around her.

There's only one reason she's still working in a place that she hates so much. The reason that's keeping her in this office is a 6'1 feet tall guy with a small round face and a charming smile, not to mention a beautiful personality and a sense of humor that some ladies will die for.Everyday the reason of her life will pass by her place  with a packet of sandwich and cup of coffee that will eventually land on her table. He will stop by and pretend to have a quick chat on what normally colleagues will talk about. Maybe today he will comment about how the pipes are broken in the first floor bathroom and why one should not use it for the day because it could be a real disaster.

"You know in the middle of doing your thing and you realize the bathroom has no water"he will say  it jokingly without distracting his eyes from hers. And when he knows nobody is looking he will whisper the word 'I love you darling' and one can imagine how her cheeks will blush just the same red she had when he said it for the first time.

And  the sudden changes on her face is so obvious to the crowd,yet it remains a puzzle to them on how cheerful she can be after she had her daily dose of sandwiches and coffee. Some of her colleagues thinks that she is a zombie till she gets her morning coffee but they don't know that he is the caffeine to her mornings and endorphins in the afternoon. And so,how can one ignore the way sunflowers look when they had their first ray of the sunshine,and how lively the strawberries are when they are sprinkled with cold water?

"You add beauty in my life"she said to him while he was busy finding the business card in his wallet.

You are as beautiful as those sunflowers and strawberries and how can the absence of sun rays and those sprinkled water take away their essence. Believe me, you are already beautiful on your own.

"Don't you know sunshine and water are vital for their survivor and so are you to me."

Deep in her heart she know everyday will be a battleship war but with him around she will always emerge as a winner in every challenges that comes her way. And that's how the rest of the days goes,with a happy smile on her face and the strength that she gathers today will bring her hope to try again another day,for one more time.

P.S:Fiction,after so long 

My blog,my love

I started to blog in 2010 and  ever since, this blog has been a part of my life. I dont know whether I'm the only blogger who feels this way. Many times, I thought of just deleting this blog as it opens up a part of me to the world,a part that I dont want anyone to know. However I see my thoughts hovering around  this blog as how the waves are to the shores. Perhaps its a kind of love,eh. Sometimes I feel as though I have created a community of my own. Fellow bloggers have almost become my own brothers and sisters. I see myself checking on how others are doing and wishing the best for them. I admit that I even  go to bed thinking about them. Some bloggers point of view have shaped mine as well. Their words have saved me so many times that I have lost count.I feel more comfortable  to be around these people who have the same love that I have for words. Be it their emotions or disappointment, it has affected me as well. Their loneliness has shadowed my life. Their happiness brings me hope. Their ambition makes me to work hard for a life that I want to have. 

I talk about my fellow bloggers all the time to people that I'm close to,although sometimes they just yawn it away. I think a non-blogger wouldnt be able to imagine how cool blogging is.Can they?  Although I have never met all of you before,somehow you guys are important to me and thats why leaving this blog will be a very hard thing for me to do. Facebook and Tumblr is slowly luring the crowd to their sites but I dont see a prospect there. Blogger is and has always been my favourite place in this virtual world. It connects me with intellectual people who dont afraid to speak their mind or share their sadness. They make me believe that there's nothing wrong in sharing your thoughts and when there are people who are willing to listen,I think we bloggers certainly have  a lot to gain here.

One thing that I expect from myself is to continue writing here. I dont think I have the most read blog  but to have some loyal followers around is comforting enough for me. I hope the world wide web will always bring us together. Thank you for staying by me through thick and thin and thank you for catching me whenever I was about to fall.

Prompt No 20: Your earliest childhood memory

We dont let others to get into our small gang whom consist of five cousins. We stay in the same neighbourhood,our  room doors are always open to each other but not to strangers.Meal time is always wonderful because we have varieties to put onto our plates. I remember those days when we will wake up the earliest on weekends and go for our morning activities. Whomever reach the  the other side of the road first will  emerge as the winner .I remembered how having short legs and heavy body always prevented me from being one. We are also one of the creative kids in the neighbourhood. When we heard there is serial kidnapper roaming in our town, we decided to hold an ad hoc meeting and brainstorm ideas to protect ourselves from these criminals. One of the task was to create a weapon out of anything that can make us escape from dangerous adults. I came out with a weapon made out of ice cream sticks and needles. I sellotaped the needles to the sticks where the sharp points pointed out and covered it with a thermometer cap. Another one of us came out with bottle containing the shavings of pencils that can be used as an alternative to pepper sprays. 

Birthdays are always wonderful. Everytime someone's birthday hit the calendar , all of us will come up with something and combined it together to make it look like a hamper.This will definitely bring up a smile on the birthday baby's face. Meanwhile on the afternoons we spent time at the beach beside our apartment to collect crabs and also busy digging soils in the field believing that we can find new water source for all of us. We even make our own kites out of newspapers and bamboo sticks.I remembered my Dad had to come looking for me because I will be so lost in our adventures that dinner time always almost end at the time we reach our own homes.

As we grew to become adults,a lot of things have changed since then,we stopped talking to each other. I have lost touch with two cousins because our parents decides to end ties with each other. The other cousins are too busy with their own world and so goes with me. I have deliberately deattached myself from them because of clashing thoughts and arguments over things that doesnt matter.

Everything has changed. Now,we have new fields open and more playgrounds are built. There is a reserved path for cyclers and more shops available if you want to grab some chocolates.Sadly,the beach beside our apartment is no longer open for public and so does our hearts stop looking over for each other too..

Prompt No 15: The most difficult decision you’ve ever made. Write from the heart.

I would say the most difficult decision is yet to come.I'm just delaying it :( I'm a coward and I just dont have the guts to make the decision.Whatever decision I make,I'm going to hurt people that I love. How I wish I can have it all. :( But God is making me to choose. He said I shouldnt marry someone who doesnt belong to the same religion as mine. 

Sometimes I wonder if God exist what race He will choose to be in and which religion suits Him the best. Another thought came to my mind,if he choose one religion over another,is that mean He had to let go of others which are His own creations?. Nothing makes sense as I was taught God is loving and most benevolent.

Does God exist or not? I am more inclined to believe that He doesn't ..

Prompt No 14: The day you started blogging. What were you thinking?

What I was thinking the day I started my blog? It was just a normal anonymous blog that I created to vent out my feelings. I would  like it to be an online diary that I can expect nobody in my family to sneak in my room and read or laugh to their hearts content. Some years ago, I found out that home isnt the safest place for my privacy when my elder brother read and laughed out loudly after reading one of my journal. It was more like a review of a movie that made me very sad. Since then, I still tried to write hard copy diaries but I cant keep up because the fear of intrusion is always there. And that was the reason I started this blog, The other side of me is more like an alter to my personality but deep down this place shows the real person I am.

One of the reason was not to waste any money or time consulting a shrink for all the tiny-miny problems that I'm facing.I personally believe this blog had done a greater job than what a certified psychiatrist can do. Although I shouldnt make this kind of judgement when  I have never consulted a shrink before but I'm glad this blog kept me insanely sane till now. If you know what I mean.

This blog had watched me grow into the person that I am now. Everything is recorded here,my usual rants on university assignements, stories about crushes that went wrong,some posts about family members and important events in life. This blog also provided me some skills in writing stories and cute poetries (in which I have stopped writing due to lack of imagination resulted from stressful lifestyle that I have chose for myself). Above all,I have gathered some good friends across the globe who will always be there whenever I need them. 

Coming this October 17 my blog will be celebrating its third year of anniversarry..
Special thanks to all of you who keep reading and supporting this blog :)

Prompt No 10:A letter to your 16 year old self. What advice would you give?

Dear me,

What advise do I give to you,my16 years old self. Well I think it should be the other way around.The problem in writing this letter is I find it extremely difficult to offer advice to you because I guess I'm way better before than now. I wish I could go back to the past and steal away the younger 'me'.I might not be the best person to offer a lecture on how to live your life because there is no right way to live this life. At least let me give a shot...

Maybe one thing that annoyed me the most about you is the way you are so obsessed with what others are thinking about you,especially when it comes to your physical looks. You want to look more like the 'Others', those girls who believe having perfect waist leads to perfect boyfriends. Believe me,after all these years,I came to realize that things dont work that way.Maybe you might think that I'm trying to poke a hole on your bubbles of fantasy. Someday you'll realize that perfect guys dont exist but there's always one guy that will see you beyond your flaws and love you anyway. You dont have to trim your waist line to woo this guy,you just have to love him more and there's nothing else that he will ask you for.

You know when you are given the rights to advice someone else,you will suddenly realize that you just have a lot of wisdom to give away.So buckle up the seat belt and prepare to read my 'naggings'. Lucky you this is just a letter not a voice recording.Sometimes getting good grades is not everything in life. Its okay to fail and you dont have to cry a bucket for this and its okay to be friends with those who are not as smart as you. Mind you girl,we are all gifted in different ways. Some of your friends might not hit the class topper list but you never know they might be more successful than you in the future. Please let yourself to celebrate each others difference and use this time of your life to do things that makes you happy rather than feeding to the needs of the society. The world have enough of doctors and lawyers already.

Just a soft reminder sweetie,dont be scared of the future.Some days are bright and some days will be dark. At times,you might be feeling lost in the jungle without knowing if there's any path to follow but there's always some bread crumbs that will lead you to the right way. You might have to make hard decisions in life. Some incidents might shake your faith and make you to stop believing in dreams. You see, life is not that miserable as long you have a friend that you can call anytime, as long as you have your mommy dearie to make the best food in the world and as long as you have your loved ones waiting at the door step with ice creams after a hard day at work,everything should be fine. 

Its time to find your own self,go out there and make a difference..

Remember I will love you always for who you are..

Good night,sleep tight..<3

Prompt No 6: The hardest thing you’ve ever been through

There was a time in my life that I felt as though the whole world came crushing on me. It wasn't only me who felt such way,my family members were affected as well by what happened on that awful day of October 29, 2009.

What was the hardest thing i have gone through

Death...It is the saddest truth of life or is it the only truth in life?

A lot of questions raced through my mind when I heard what happened.  When we received the first call, we were told that he's lying unconsciously on the hospital bed ( which was obviously a lie). He was gone by that time and they didn't have the heart to  tell us the truth. I was so determined to save his life at any cost. After few hours another call came in and we were told about what  had actually happened to my cousin brother.

What first came to his mind when he realized that he's losing control of the plane and the next moment might not be his? How he felt when his entire life came flashing in front of him? Was there any moment he regrets the most? Was there any unfulfilled dreams? Did he remember the moment he peeped through the hospital glass to watch his newborn little sister and wonder how her life will be without him? What will happen to all the medals and trophy that shines proudly on his show case?

It was a bit hard for all of us to even think of a life without him.I mean how you even begin to a live without the usual phone calls and life update emails. How do you plan your vacation when the source of fun and happiness aren't there anymore? Life is certainly not the same without him. But you see, this is what happens when you went through the hardest time in your life.Slowly you will start to make peace with life and accept the term that not everything is sweet and rosy all the time. We all have to face death sooner or later.

Acceptance of his death brings me to another thought.Sometimes  I wonder  how would he react to the person I am now. I have changed a lot and maybe he wouldn't like the way I'm living now. I lie a lot to my parents and doing a job that I hate the most.These days I see myself a total failure. If anything good that happened in my life so far is the presence of RJ. I'm sure they will be good friends if he's still alive. Every time I speak to RJ, I see a glimpse of my brother in him. 

I think that's how you deal with the death of your loved ones. 

You see glimpses of them in everyone else....

He lived a good life ..I guess that's what matters the most now..

RIP brother...

Thank you for reading..:)

A small dream

Being born as a human I came to realize that not all of us are lucky to have the basic needs of life.

While  she was pulling out the bucket filled with water from the well I heard the little girl with pony tails saying “Even when I was poor I would have a happy life, One has to accept life as being sad and painful, that’s all” .I don’t remember being that wise enough when I was 9 years old. Its true when they said kids that went through a lot become more matured compared to their peers. 

I grew up thinking that taking bus to school could be biggest hardship of life when I see other kids having parents with luxuries car. Watching a few documentaries on life under the comfort of my couch makes me realize the world outside there is not as gracious to others as it is to me.

Sometimes I will be a bit imaginative. I will imagine myself with cameras and books travelling around the globe teaching and helping this unfortunate kid to realize their dream. But at the end of the day I will get back to own self with my own problems and tries to shut off all this from my sight and focus more on getting a good sleep and dread to wake up to work the next day.

Wondering and thinking about changing the life of others is not enough. Some kids are really talented, they can paint, and they can speak so eloquently and fix things like bicycles and other machines. Being born into poverty means one day they have to give away all these things and forced to be the breadwinner for the family.

Masya Allah, I wonder what magic of education could mould them to be .All they need is someone to guide and unleash the true potential that these kids have. They will go far and might be more successful than all of us. It’s such a pity that money robs everything that they could have achieved with their life and it’s such a shame that we can do very little for them.

If I have money I would like to go around the globe, adopt these kids and build a school for them. I would like them to grow up and be fine men and women. I want them to speak good English and earn a good life for others as well.

I guess this is how life is, flawed but still beautiful especially when we realize how lucky we are and every now and then life offers a lesson to bring back home.

Maybe today I will just write…

A post out of Boredom-Tricks to call in sick to work

I called in sick to work  today and I am really bored right now. Last night I had some breathing difficulties,it seems that I am allergic of a medicine called Norgesic which Doctor gave me for the jaw pain that I was suffering for two months.

The choking/breathing difficulties last for more than two hours. I felt as though I couldn't breathe anymore and I see myself gasping for air and slowly attempting to breathe through my mouth. I still couldn't believe on what happened few hours back but one thing for sure when I started to see the vague figure of my dead grandfather,I certainly knew that Norgesic was playing with  my mind. 

Its Monday and its not cool to call in sick because its the busiest business day but I don't want to drive to work on this condition with drowsiness and so on. Eventually the breathing got better by noon and I'm well enough to update my blog.

For those who are not sick but want a day of two off,here are some tricks you can play along ;)

1. Called in the earliest possible to let your boss know that you are not feeling well to turn up for work. If you called later in the noon,most likely your boss will be suspicious that you woke up late and just making excuses not to come for work.

2.If you would like to plan leave earlier,make sure you act well to let your co-workers know that you are most likely will fall sick the next day.

3.If your boss/manager in your Facebook page,please don't be fool enough by updating status of your getaways or check in to any restaurant. That will make your boss really mad.

4.And yes please please appear sick when your turn in for job the next day,if you wanna cheat,do it the right way.


5. If  can please try to get medical certificates (MC)from a certified doctor.Its not that hard to fake your sickness just wake up in the morning don't brush your teeth and straightaway head to the nearby clinic. Changes are high where the doctor himself will offer you MC without you asking.

While these tricks are certainly effective,please don't overdo it and ended up losing your job. If you have a great boss like mine please try to go work everyday and less MCs means you have more bonus and promotions will come your way.

If you have an awful boss,then go ahead,play the trick well and make sure you  be a little more creative every  time you called in for sick.


P.S::The plan to introduce my mom to RJ couldn't be executed for certain reasons. Will definitely keep you guys updated about the progress.:)

How does it feels?

How does it feels to be a caterpillar that could not turn into butterfly?

How does it feels to be a child without mother?
How does it feels to be a bird with broken wings?
How does it feels to be crippled?
How does it feels to be a beggar on the road?
How does it feels to wake up in the morning without hope?
How does it feels to be a snake that has lost its venom?
How does it feels to be a caged lion?
How does it feels to lose everything at some point in life?

Life is so imperfect with so much flaws. But then what is life without imperfections? In imperfections,we see perfections. Perfect love,perfect courage,perfect strength and perfect smiles.There's a certain beauty in imperfections that can't be seen in perfections.


I don't want to be Perfect,I want to be Imperfectly beautiful.

Shells in the heart

Image courtesy

She was busy making something out of that one dollar note, perhaps an origami that she learnt years ago. Are you trying to make a heart shape out of the note? he asked.

Just like a small kid reacting after been caught for stealing candies, she pursed her lips trying to hide her embarrassment. She wonder how he could do that all the time, the way he weaves all the thoughts that have been occupying her scattered mind. Ironic still, he kept saying ‘I can’t read your mind; you seem to build walls around you’

There’s a familiar song playing on the background but she couldn’t recall the exact title of the song. That strains her thoughts not being able to recall the title of the song even though she could remember the lyrics by heart.  The noise from the crowds doesn’t help much making her to get back those hands to work on that one dollar again.

She lowered down her gaze, pretending to concentrate on the note and not his eyes. Those eyes do wonders, makes her feel like a glowing princess with a crystal crown. What makes her to turn back to him for everything, just like the way the moon encircles the Earth, her footsteps follows wherever his shadow goes. Perhaps this is what love is all about. Maybe this is what all the poets are trying to convey in their words. Finally everything started to make sense, all those tales written by man. The sweet melancholic feeling when it comes to love. Maybe this is what written in all the romantic books that’s struggling to be given a space in her wardrobe. Love always has a way to attract the crowds.

This feeling is like collecting shells along the seashore. She knew time is running out, in fact the future of both of them to be together seems vague. She needs to find as much shells as she could to be kept in a lovely Pandora box, shoved under the bed and to be opened only when no one is around. That’s how she see this moment as, too precious to not pay attention to it.

The sound of a fork been drop forced her thoughts to come back to the present moment .She wants to make a heart shape out of the note and give it to him. She wants him to keep that heart shape note as her remembrance. But then, her hands kept on failing her. She found him looking at her clumsy hands which are battling to make a perfect heart shape out of the note. That makes her feel vulnerable; she can’t seem to do anything when those eyes watch every movement of hers.

She gives up on the note and passed the crumpled note back to him. Maybe this could be a sign, maybe both of them are never meant to be together after all. Maybe he shouldn’t keep anything that reminds him of her. That’s how paranoid she is, she always look out for a sign, silent hints that God bestowed upon them.

‘You are just too pious,P.I.O.U.S’she remember him stressing out the word by spelling it for her. How could this happen, a strong believer and a logic thinker to be attracted towards each other? Again, maybe this is what love is all about.

Out of a sudden, he breaks the silence. He furrowed his brows and ask her what she thinks about him and what makes her to fall for him.

‘Don’t ask me these questions, because I just have no answer for it. It just happens’ she said even though she wants to say so much but she knew words not helping her at all. She can’t express much verbally. It’s one of her flaws. If he asks her to pen down her thoughts, maybe it will reach more than a thousand pages.

‘Maybe you just admire me for who I am, maybe this could just be a plain attraction’ he kept presenting her with facts and logic. He’s an open thinker, he believes in reasons and consequences. He questions the rules set by the world. But whenever the brain takes over his heart, he’s prone to hurt her even more. And when the feeling she has for him been countered with logics, she will be silent and let her tears to take over instead.

This is how it goes all the time. Her expression will slowly soften his heart. The tears will bring him back to her. Just in a split of seconds, his heart will slowly regains its place and he knew this little girl with sparkling eyes adores him so much and it soothes him.

Sometimes,knowing that someone loves you  so much could bring tears. And so he will shed some tears for the love of his life. How could he doubt her true love when her heart has already nested softly under his roof…..and this is how it always ends all the time….

P.S: [Im back]..miss being here so muchhhh...

Life is Beautiful :)

I kept on congratulating her. What else should I say when my best friend break the news of her engagement on the phone. I was overwhelmed and speechless for a moment. Indeed, I have never been this happy for someone else. Smiling like a mad lady and offering chocolates to my mother had just made her to question my sanity more.:P A very heartfelt congratulation to her. And now after reading this line, I would like you guys to pray for her happiness. She’s someone who is very important to me. Please do that for me okay? :D

On the other hand,24th March is my late cousin brother's birthday. He would have turned 25 this year and only God knows how merrier it could be if he still alive. It would have been a double celebration as my brother's wedding is just around the corner. But life doesn't promise a bed of roses, bad things happen and death is something than we can never run away from.

Anyway, I hope he's doing whole lot better over there, having fun at the other side of the world. All through his life, he had been a good son, a good brother, a good friend and not forgetting an awesome lover to his girlfriend. Time flies and now it’s almost three years already even though it just seems like yesterday for us. We lost him due to a plane crash and even now when the aeroplane crosses the skies all that flashes through our mind was him and his dream of becoming a pilot. We all had been waiting so eagerly for the day he comes home waving his pilot licence to us but then I guess we weren't that lucky to have him a bit longer in our life.

A very happy birthday brother,you are dearly missed almost everyday..

Yes your favourite little sister is all grown up now..and do you know that our ‘S’ has started to play piano and she's just so awesome with it..a lot of things had change bro, but I cant never forget all that moment that we shared together.Life is all messed up but every now and then I see yourself in the kindness of some strangers. When life brings me down, I know you are always there watching me over and catch me when  I'm  just about to fall..I wonder how it will be if you are still alive :')...

Apart from all that,24th March is also the day I took up blogging seriously..
so in a way its my blog 's birthday too ;)

In fact, I received my very first comment a year ago and yes it was from Poonam of course ;)

The adapting process

There's a strange agony in moving on,especially to a new place.Strangers scattered all over the new neighbourhood and weird glance just makes your palm wet with some sweat. But this isn't fear, just a little bit of nervousness because you have already gone through the fear of crossing the line of your old life.Pretty much this isn’t harder than that. So with hope safeguarding your back, you dismantle your old belongings trying to make the house look more alive with things.

But then it wasn’t easy either when the old life was more comfortable than this one. You don’t have to make new friends, newspapers will arrive directly to your doorstep and sundry shop guy just know exactly when the sugar and spices on your shelves will dry out precisely. No worries about finding the best place for the weekly laundry. You are so accustomed to the old bed that you used to lay unconsciously after a lousy day at work. You find it so easy to be staring on the ceilings and blaming the world for your failure that for now you just want to run back to your place and cuddled in that blanket with the lights off.

That old life seems to be the perfect excuse to not wanting to move on, but isn’t it a kind of betrayal to all self pledge that you had done while moving your belongings into that truck the other day. And so you slowly walked towards the kitchen makes yourself a cup of coffee and rest your shoulder to the window pane. For now this life seems to be lonely, there wasn’t anything to look forward to when it’s just the sound of your own humming to a forgotten tune breaking the silence of your own thoughts.  

Along with the smell of the freshly painted walls and kids roaring with so much of excitement after scoring their goals, you just know that this life promises something. Something that you have no idea yet, something that will bring back everything that you have lost because for now life had taken you to the right place, exactly the place that you have to be right now.  There wasn’t any regret of the leaving, there’s just a lot of excitement around me, wondering of how to make friends with the strangers along the neighbourhood.

But with the knock on the door, I guess I don’t have to try hard on making friends here..there just seems to be lots of friendly people around here ..

Time to move out and move on.

My dear readers, let’s do something today. Help me to pack up. It’s time to shift old memories and compact it into a box. Seal it with tapes, make it airtight. They shouldn’t be let out nor should anything else be let it. Grab the photo frames on the dressing table. It’s been haunting me for days. Bring it on all the letters and cards under the bed. They don’t have a place there anymore. Clear all the clothes in the wardrobe, each of them telling me stories about yesterdays. I’m all over it and after all they don’t fit me anymore.

Shut the windows and draw the blinds. Pull over the luggage and clear the pile of dusts on top. I need the luggage to pack up some lovely memories. This house had seen many good things too, can’t bear to leave them behind in a place with no occupants. Lovely memories need me as much as I need them. It’s not fair to push away our good fellows to the back line especially when all the punishment belongs to the wrong guy.

Don’t forget the china set which given by a lovely friend. Reminds me of that special birthday that I had years ago. That old bed sheet smells of something sad. Leave it at the same place, they shouldn’t been drag along to the new bed. Oh my! I really need to be careful when moving out those fragile stuff, they should be handled with care. As for now, I only have them with me.

The contract had been drafted. Lawyers had been hired. All I need is to pen down a signature and the house doesn’t belong to me anymore. Now comes, the last ritual, the most awaited moment. I closed the door and lock it for the last time. With a luggage on my hands and boxes on the track, I bid the final adieu to my old life. Here I am now standing on my doorstep, blowing goodbye kisses to the old keys and threw it away behind those hills. Who needs the old key when the new home is waiting to embrace me with a hug?

Goodbye my old life, you’ll be forgotten but will never be missed. In either ways, you are at loss, not me. I have a new life peeking me from the other sides, convincing me to dream and begging me to move on. I felt wind brushing through my hair. It’s time to leave my past behind, it’s too burdensome to carry it on to the future. Isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?  The past had taught me that some mistakes are too costly to be repeated. Memories is what makes us who we are but when it starts to haunt you, then it is best to be forgotten.

After all, we have only one life, why not live it to the fullest?

A piece of dream

[Tried something different,quite a long post though. You may throw any kind of criticism into the comment box]

Wet clothes hanging on the balcony, I watch them proudly swinging their way in the wind like a careless child that doesn’t care about what lies tomorrow. I felt a tinge of pain on my eyes, wasn’t sure what causes it. Was it the summer haze or the memory of a child running veraciously chasing after the blue kite in the middle of a paddy field? I could hear her laughter, its contagious to the world. It’s been so long, the laughter still rings in my ear. Perhaps it was the latter; that child makes me feel so nostalgic on a Monday morning. It wasn’t a usual Monday morning though. The clock struck 8 am, Soumya was soundly asleep, I could hear her audible snoring. Ah, I bet the world she wouldn’t believe it when I told about her snoring when she wakes up! Tried that before and I failed. Soumya’s alarm buzzed frantically bringing me back to what she told me the day before.

‘Jansi,don’t ever forget to wake me up before you leave tomorrow’ said Soumya while craning her neck under the bed looking for her lost pencil. I chuckled at the thought that it could be near to impossible for her to get back the pencil as it might already swallowed by the ocean of junks that she carefully guarded under her bed all this while.

‘Ahuh..yeah I will but before that, don’t you think all these junks had already been two years old’ I said provided the fact that I’ve been her roommate for more than three years.

‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that ’she said.

                          

 I knew she will give up on the quest of finding the pencil as soon as she grabbed her blanket to catch a good night sleep. Soumya is always like that, a carefree soul, an antique collector, someone whom I will never trade for anything in the world.

I glanced towards the clock, bringing myself to this moment. I felt as though time is begging me not to be late especially on this auspicious day. I stood and head towards my wardrobe. It’s a peacock blue saree, a graduation gift from Soumya. I watch myself tying it in front of the mirror. I still remember how my mother tied it for me the last time. A red with golden border silk saree, she proudly exclaimed how much it cost and at the same time adoring the resemblance of her in me despite the tears that welled up my eyes.

‘I don’t want all this Ma, I don’t want to get marry.this is what I want Ma’I told her pointing to the offer letter from University of Madras which had been lying on my bed,stained with my tears all over it.  

‘You are a woman and you must get married’ she said while handing me a tray of coffee

‘Now go and make yourself worthy’

Worthy! Was that all she wanted from me? Till today I could never forget nor forgive. The day I bowed in front of some strangers, showcasing myself while obeying the rules set by the world.

‘My God,you look gracious Jansi’ Soumya’s voice startled me. She gave me a hug from behind and I quickly stop the tears that’s trickling down my eyes.I forced a wide grin on my face as I watch the excitement drawn on Soumya’s face .She will make up for all,she’ll be my family today. I assured myself.

‘Just give me a second,I’ll drive you to the campus’ Soumya said while heading towards bathroom with a towel on her shoulder.

Back inside the car, I was totally lost in my own thoughts. The ride that I took four years ago had brought me here. That night I decided to run away from home with a luggage of dreams and hope. It was midnight and everyone was soundly asleep after saying a toast to the alliance of me and Rajesh.

The beautiful view outside from the car window couldn’t pull back my wandering thoughts. I’d decided to leave the scenery behind this day. Memories of that moment kept on kicking my mind, stealing me away from the honking sounds and the couple that were fighting in the middle of the road. They had blocked away all the cars. In the meantime, I’m aware of Soumya swearing and throwing fist in the air but all I could hear was dead silence that accompanied me when I walked towards Amma’s bed that awful day. I kissed her forehead while whispering a silent farewell. She doesn’t know when a daughter goes to school; the whole family gets the scroll. Appa was sleeping on the other side, he had been so proud of me for bringing such a fortune to the family. Rajesh is a jackpot to us, I heard him saying to Amma. He raised me up just to bring me so much of disappointment.

Amidst the heavy traffic that overwhelmed the morning road, we reached on time. I saw a father adjusting his son’s tie and I saw a mother in a wheelchair kissing her daughter on the cheek. I saw a life presented in front of me, people from all over the world gathering to witness dreams coming true this day. Soumya wrapped her arms around mine assuring her presence beside me. Even though, she couldn’t make it through this semester but I could see pure happiness on her face as her best friend is the Gold Medal recipient of the year.

A huge applause came toiling behind me while I receive the honourable degree on the stage. I half smiled at Soumya whom had been beaming with pride as she said something to the lady beside her. I could slightly imagine that the conversation must be about me. I walked towards her and park myself on the empty seat to her left.

‘I think it’s time for me to go home,and this time I’m bringing along a piece of dream with me’I whispered to Soumya.

And for that I received the biggest hugs ever from her.

‘Yes,it’s time to go home’she nodded with a smile.

The ceremony took another two hours but all I could see was that child again. She was panting hard while resting her hands on her knees. She had stopped chasing for the kite as for now it had landed directly on her feet. I hear her laughter again,louder and now it brings me a radiant smile.

Dreams do come true with a little bit of running and chasing.

 For today, I felt how it really feels to be worthy.

[P.S: In some parts of the world,women are still denied access to a proper education. Hope the world will be more friendlier to all the women out there.]

A note from Myself to Me

Dear me,

I know you are not being in your best mood lately. Things going haywire and depression is a word that you are living right now. I knew the other day when you were coming back home from work at night, you could easily merge into some unknown road and never return home ever, but you did come back because this is the place that you always belong. Life is not a bed of roses, this is for sure.

Indeed, there will be a lot of stones and hurdles along the way, and so its time for you to kick away those stones aside and jump over the hurdles when you travel this journey called life. I agree that the world outside is not that as innocent as you have thought, so it’s okay to be selfish at times but never lose your dignity along the way. Things changed, people changed and you have to accommodate yourself with the changes because this time the change is certainly for your own good.

And there’s always a reason why certain people enter your life just to walk away after a while. Every bit of their memories hurt but always remember to hold tight to those happier moments because life gives you the fair amount of joy and pain. Life balances up itself that way. But it’s good because for every wrong person that comes into your life, they certainly left a lesson or two to bring home the end of the day.It may look so over the edge now,but I assure you,when you look back one day,all these moments will bring you tons of smiles and remind you how far you had travelled so far.

Deep down,I believe the spark is always there. Its just that you have cocooned yourself in a bubble.Let yourself go,let go the fear that is eating you up. You can always be the person that you want to be.Its all in the mind,unlock your true potential as I always believe that you are indeed someone special. The greatest fear is your own self,and when you learn to overcome it,I bet the world that nothing can ever stop you again. Speak up for yourself because no one else will do it for you. Remember you make choices not choices make you.

And I have all the faith in you because when you gaze upon the sky,you know that all the angels are busy conspiring with nature to bring you nothing but pure happiness. You have to give TIME some time. Be patience,I heard them saying. We cant be sure of what will happen the next second because life is certainly short but I will never let my hands off you.I'll be there within your reach and I'm someone you can always count on. No one knows you better than me myself.Till then keep smiling because that is the best dress you can wear for your face.

Sleep tight honey. Rest all your problems under the bed. Wake up to a new morning tomorrow.Its time to stop running and pause for a while to smell the roses.

From

Myself

P.S: Sometimes you just have to have hear it from your own self  :)

Because parting is such a sweet sorrow...........

Don’t you say Hello again, because I don’t have the strength to say Goodbye anymore. I’ll learn to embrace the cold that you threw towards me and let it to melt away the warmness in my heart instead. I’ll learn to accept the fact that your words doesn’t speak about me anymore. From now onwards, I will learn to cross the road without you holding my hand tightly, stopping me whenever I impatiently trying to get to the other side of the road.

When our favourite songs played in the radio, I’ll try to ignore the memories that came toiling behind those lyrics. When it comes to taking a bite of my favourite cheese burger, I’ll remember that you won’t be there to gently wipe away the mustard on the corner of my lips what’s more to keep me accompany for lunch. And so I’ll learn how to eat properly and alone next time. Somewhere along the way, if a stranger smiles, I’ll try to fast forward your never ending smile that could make me to leave the whole world behind just for that.

When the sunshine greets me, I’ll remember not to hope for a warm morning hug from behind my back. I'll even forget the morning coffees on the porch,the chocolate sundae in the drizzling rain.When the evening falls, I’ll make sure the windows and doors locked because it’s just me and the four walls tonight. I’ll try not to run towards the door anxiously whenever the door bell rang because it seemed that you have lost the track to my home.I’ll try to hide my disappointment whenever I mistaken a stranger for you at a departmental store because he look so much like you or maybe because I’ve just known only you all my life.

And yes now we have come to a crossroad that leads to different paths. I’m taking this side, and you’re taking that one. Don’t choose the same path as mine anymore. No,this time I don’t want to travel with someone who used to let my hands off in the middle of a journey.

It’s going to be a new journey, its going to be a lonely ride without you but somehow I can sense some freedom, a new breath and a new life, a new beginning that follows after a hopeless ending.

Here I am,destiny had brought me to the final page of the book and to my own dismay this book doesn’t deserve a second read.I'll bring it back to the shelves,let the pile of dust hide it away from my sight forever.


This time, I just couldn’t agree more with Shakespeare as ‘Parting is such a sweet sorrow’.

For someone who stole my heart, I’ve given a farewell as your gift……….