29/10/2009

Restless. Guilty.Regrets. Fear.

I hope they remember me when I'm gone. I want to be alive in their memories even after my death.

I hope they will go through my pictures,remember my laughter and say my name during a short conversation.I hope they will have coffee with caramel on top of it just in a way of remembering me. I wish they lay flowers on my grave and shed a tear or two for their loss.

 

It's had been 4 years since he left us. Nothing's changed but a lot of things happening in  different way these days.I hope he's here, sharing the story of how he survived the plane crash rather than me pondering over his life that ended too quickly,even before it begins.

But the truth is, he's not here and never will be here. Just memories lingering around the corner,telling us how one had a very short life, unfulfilled dreams and a lonely death. About  how humans plan always in short when compared to God's will. Today, I prayed for him to Him asking him to be given a special place in heaven because he wasn't given more time compared to all of us.

Meanwhile here I'm wishing that I will never have to die alone.

Shells in the heart

Image courtesy

She was busy making something out of that one dollar note, perhaps an origami that she learnt years ago. Are you trying to make a heart shape out of the note? he asked.

Just like a small kid reacting after been caught for stealing candies, she pursed her lips trying to hide her embarrassment. She wonder how he could do that all the time, the way he weaves all the thoughts that have been occupying her scattered mind. Ironic still, he kept saying ‘I can’t read your mind; you seem to build walls around you’

There’s a familiar song playing on the background but she couldn’t recall the exact title of the song. That strains her thoughts not being able to recall the title of the song even though she could remember the lyrics by heart.  The noise from the crowds doesn’t help much making her to get back those hands to work on that one dollar again.

She lowered down her gaze, pretending to concentrate on the note and not his eyes. Those eyes do wonders, makes her feel like a glowing princess with a crystal crown. What makes her to turn back to him for everything, just like the way the moon encircles the Earth, her footsteps follows wherever his shadow goes. Perhaps this is what love is all about. Maybe this is what all the poets are trying to convey in their words. Finally everything started to make sense, all those tales written by man. The sweet melancholic feeling when it comes to love. Maybe this is what written in all the romantic books that’s struggling to be given a space in her wardrobe. Love always has a way to attract the crowds.

This feeling is like collecting shells along the seashore. She knew time is running out, in fact the future of both of them to be together seems vague. She needs to find as much shells as she could to be kept in a lovely Pandora box, shoved under the bed and to be opened only when no one is around. That’s how she see this moment as, too precious to not pay attention to it.

The sound of a fork been drop forced her thoughts to come back to the present moment .She wants to make a heart shape out of the note and give it to him. She wants him to keep that heart shape note as her remembrance. But then, her hands kept on failing her. She found him looking at her clumsy hands which are battling to make a perfect heart shape out of the note. That makes her feel vulnerable; she can’t seem to do anything when those eyes watch every movement of hers.

She gives up on the note and passed the crumpled note back to him. Maybe this could be a sign, maybe both of them are never meant to be together after all. Maybe he shouldn’t keep anything that reminds him of her. That’s how paranoid she is, she always look out for a sign, silent hints that God bestowed upon them.

‘You are just too pious,P.I.O.U.S’she remember him stressing out the word by spelling it for her. How could this happen, a strong believer and a logic thinker to be attracted towards each other? Again, maybe this is what love is all about.

Out of a sudden, he breaks the silence. He furrowed his brows and ask her what she thinks about him and what makes her to fall for him.

‘Don’t ask me these questions, because I just have no answer for it. It just happens’ she said even though she wants to say so much but she knew words not helping her at all. She can’t express much verbally. It’s one of her flaws. If he asks her to pen down her thoughts, maybe it will reach more than a thousand pages.

‘Maybe you just admire me for who I am, maybe this could just be a plain attraction’ he kept presenting her with facts and logic. He’s an open thinker, he believes in reasons and consequences. He questions the rules set by the world. But whenever the brain takes over his heart, he’s prone to hurt her even more. And when the feeling she has for him been countered with logics, she will be silent and let her tears to take over instead.

This is how it goes all the time. Her expression will slowly soften his heart. The tears will bring him back to her. Just in a split of seconds, his heart will slowly regains its place and he knew this little girl with sparkling eyes adores him so much and it soothes him.

Sometimes,knowing that someone loves you  so much could bring tears. And so he will shed some tears for the love of his life. How could he doubt her true love when her heart has already nested softly under his roof…..and this is how it always ends all the time….

P.S: [Im back]..miss being here so muchhhh...

She adopts me...

Summer breeze and shedded leaves,

I saw her dancing in the mist,

An impaired doll by her side,

But yet she seems so lonely from my sight.

A bond that crosses decades,

Perhaps I have seen her somewhere,

In my dreams of dressing a child,

Or could she be the angel that I’ve lost?

I held his arm tightly

Pointing to the girl in that printed gown,

My eyes makes a silent plead,

And a tear rolls down when he nods with a yes!

While she sat quietly along the porch,

Playing with bubbles in the air,

I’ve already lived half my life,

Walking by her side, down the aisle.

Papers signed and she’s ours

They said I’ve done her some charity

Perhaps they are too blind to see

Indeed I owe her my whole life 

And now…

I have a house, she’ll make it a home

I have a garden, she’ll plant roses

I have money, she’ll give me happiness

I am a woman and she’ll make me a mother
Now tell me,who gave life to who...

P.S: It's just amazing how God make plans,uniting two people who need each other so much.A dedication to all mothers who had been adopted by their angels..

Life is Beautiful :)

I kept on congratulating her. What else should I say when my best friend break the news of her engagement on the phone. I was overwhelmed and speechless for a moment. Indeed, I have never been this happy for someone else. Smiling like a mad lady and offering chocolates to my mother had just made her to question my sanity more.:P A very heartfelt congratulation to her. And now after reading this line, I would like you guys to pray for her happiness. She’s someone who is very important to me. Please do that for me okay? :D

On the other hand,24th March is my late cousin brother's birthday. He would have turned 25 this year and only God knows how merrier it could be if he still alive. It would have been a double celebration as my brother's wedding is just around the corner. But life doesn't promise a bed of roses, bad things happen and death is something than we can never run away from.

Anyway, I hope he's doing whole lot better over there, having fun at the other side of the world. All through his life, he had been a good son, a good brother, a good friend and not forgetting an awesome lover to his girlfriend. Time flies and now it’s almost three years already even though it just seems like yesterday for us. We lost him due to a plane crash and even now when the aeroplane crosses the skies all that flashes through our mind was him and his dream of becoming a pilot. We all had been waiting so eagerly for the day he comes home waving his pilot licence to us but then I guess we weren't that lucky to have him a bit longer in our life.

A very happy birthday brother,you are dearly missed almost everyday..

Yes your favourite little sister is all grown up now..and do you know that our ‘S’ has started to play piano and she's just so awesome with it..a lot of things had change bro, but I cant never forget all that moment that we shared together.Life is all messed up but every now and then I see yourself in the kindness of some strangers. When life brings me down, I know you are always there watching me over and catch me when  I'm  just about to fall..I wonder how it will be if you are still alive :')...

Apart from all that,24th March is also the day I took up blogging seriously..
so in a way its my blog 's birthday too ;)

In fact, I received my very first comment a year ago and yes it was from Poonam of course ;)

CONFESSION Of A Little Angel

Dear mother,

Ma, I don’t know whether I have the rights to call you that or not, At least I would be able to call you ma here. It never crosses my mind that I will never be able to call you ma. My first cry seems to be a burden for you because I saw you crying helplessly when you first held me in your arms. My tiny body somehow felt heavy for your eyes.

Seeing you cried, I cried too. But then the emotions changed. Behind your hatred and cries I saw a weak smile curled at the corner of your lips. Maybe you loved me too and maybe I have a chance to live. But to my dismay, the moment was short lived.

 You wrapped me in a blanket as if I have to be hidden quickly before anyone saw me. In your eyes, I was the yield of the sin that you had committed. You claimed that you saw your past flashing through my eyes and that’s the reason why I shouldn’t be with you.

 Maybe, I shouldn’t been born after all and I never asked to be born too. Amidst the pain, I saw you rushing as if time had given you a deadline. You cuddled me and instantly I felt warm and cosy when you held me in your arms. I felt true love for the first time in my life ,yes mother, you the first person I had fallen in love with.

You took me to some place, and it might just take some moments but strangely I feel as though I was taken on the longest ride in my life. Yes it was indeed the longest day in my life which happened to be on the day I was born!  We arrived as you planned, and you placed me somewhere and you just walked away, without even a goodbye. Maybe it was easy for you to walk away, but it wasn’t easy for me to let you go. I was afraid and the only thing I knew was to cry. I waited for your return and I knew that I can’t wait any longer.

You didn’t come back indeed nobody came that day. The clouds were changing its colour and the sky started to weep as well. The sound of the rain overcame my voice. My tears were sinking behind the heavy downpour. I cried ..cried ..cried and then I smiled..

The longest day in my life had just ended.

If I knew that this would be the ending, I will never have had hoped for a beginning

I was lost and abandoned, but now safe and sound in God’s arm.

Ma,if you still thinking about me,I just wanted to tell you  that I had forgiven you long ago…and thank you for giving me the very first taste of love!!..You had thrown me away from your life but remember I AM a part of you, the part of  you, that you can’t just eliminate  away from your life!!

                                      

Sincerely

Your little angel

P.S Every child has the inherent right to life itself. It’s overwhelming to see little angels thrown away just like that. Sometimes I think animals are more compassionate that human.

This post is dedicated to all the little angels out there,

You deserve Heaven more than here.

NoTe: This is my first attempt at writing a fiction.Although it is just a fiction, somehow the message is true and honest. Constructive feedback is very much needed and will be appreciated.Thank you in advance =)