29/10/2009

Restless. Guilty.Regrets. Fear.

I hope they remember me when I'm gone. I want to be alive in their memories even after my death.

I hope they will go through my pictures,remember my laughter and say my name during a short conversation.I hope they will have coffee with caramel on top of it just in a way of remembering me. I wish they lay flowers on my grave and shed a tear or two for their loss.

 

It's had been 4 years since he left us. Nothing's changed but a lot of things happening in  different way these days.I hope he's here, sharing the story of how he survived the plane crash rather than me pondering over his life that ended too quickly,even before it begins.

But the truth is, he's not here and never will be here. Just memories lingering around the corner,telling us how one had a very short life, unfulfilled dreams and a lonely death. About  how humans plan always in short when compared to God's will. Today, I prayed for him to Him asking him to be given a special place in heaven because he wasn't given more time compared to all of us.

Meanwhile here I'm wishing that I will never have to die alone.

Prompt No 6: The hardest thing you’ve ever been through

There was a time in my life that I felt as though the whole world came crushing on me. It wasn't only me who felt such way,my family members were affected as well by what happened on that awful day of October 29, 2009.

What was the hardest thing i have gone through

Death...It is the saddest truth of life or is it the only truth in life?

A lot of questions raced through my mind when I heard what happened.  When we received the first call, we were told that he's lying unconsciously on the hospital bed ( which was obviously a lie). He was gone by that time and they didn't have the heart to  tell us the truth. I was so determined to save his life at any cost. After few hours another call came in and we were told about what  had actually happened to my cousin brother.

What first came to his mind when he realized that he's losing control of the plane and the next moment might not be his? How he felt when his entire life came flashing in front of him? Was there any moment he regrets the most? Was there any unfulfilled dreams? Did he remember the moment he peeped through the hospital glass to watch his newborn little sister and wonder how her life will be without him? What will happen to all the medals and trophy that shines proudly on his show case?

It was a bit hard for all of us to even think of a life without him.I mean how you even begin to a live without the usual phone calls and life update emails. How do you plan your vacation when the source of fun and happiness aren't there anymore? Life is certainly not the same without him. But you see, this is what happens when you went through the hardest time in your life.Slowly you will start to make peace with life and accept the term that not everything is sweet and rosy all the time. We all have to face death sooner or later.

Acceptance of his death brings me to another thought.Sometimes  I wonder  how would he react to the person I am now. I have changed a lot and maybe he wouldn't like the way I'm living now. I lie a lot to my parents and doing a job that I hate the most.These days I see myself a total failure. If anything good that happened in my life so far is the presence of RJ. I'm sure they will be good friends if he's still alive. Every time I speak to RJ, I see a glimpse of my brother in him. 

I think that's how you deal with the death of your loved ones. 

You see glimpses of them in everyone else....

He lived a good life ..I guess that's what matters the most now..

RIP brother...

Thank you for reading..:)