Who & What

It would take years and generations to eradicate racism in this world. Many are marrying outside their faith and race. For some it worked out wonderfully with grandchildren playing around their backyards and for some it turned out to be a living hell. But in every relationship regardless interfaith or same faith,if you failed to tolerate and understand each others need,I'm sure its easy for poisonous thoughts to sneak into your shaky marriage.

For days my mother has been pestering me to tell who's the guy behind the reason I'm declining all arrange marriage offers. Today she brought in my brother in law to have a discussion with him. Out of respect I told them that he's the guy from work place,some details of where his parents are and where he is staying now. They asked what's his name. I didn't answer that part. When I said he's staying with aunt's family,they asked what is his aunts name. I didn't answer that part. 

And then they asked me " What is he?"

"He's a human being with a pair of eyes, two hands and two legs" I answered

I was lectured for about few minutes on how important it is to know 'What" he is so that they can do some checking on his background. I told them maybe they should meet and talk to him first so that they can know what type of person he is...

So the discussion ended with my mother wiping her tears and me promising to arrange meeting between RJ and my brother in law.

The story of me,my mother and him.

I would love to write everyday but some things just kept me away from blogging world but I'm not really sure what are the things though. I have been reading a lot, quite a lot compared to last year. Maybe its my new year resolution that's keeping me busy with books but what about other 9 resolutions that I made four months ago? April is coming to an end. I always felt time is never enough for me. Meanwhile my mother is trying really hard to keep me beautiful so that I can get married as soon as possible. She's very worried about my age. Well, I'm just 25 years old. But what can I say about a lady who got married when she was 10. Yes you read it right. There's a huge generation gap between me and my mother. She was born in a small village in India. But she's the most confident person that I have ever knew. 

I don't blame her for being so paranoid and worried about my safety all the time.It was the way she was brought up. It wasn't a happy childhood for her. You can see tears in her eyes whenever she recalls her past. Even though she was born into a wealthy family, her mother was only interested in letting her daughters to be in the kitchen and cook for everyone. Meanwhile the boys were given everything they have wanted. My uncle was sent to America to further his studies while my mother stopped going to school since Standard Two.

So you see, it was really hard to even complete my studies because my mother was planning to get me married since when I was seventeen but my cousin brother managed to stop her. She always listen to him. (Bless his soul)

However I managed to change her mind that education is for all not only for boys. Nowadays she always encourage my nieces to study hard. I was the first person to graduate in my family and she kissed my forehead when I came out from the graduation hall. I think at that moment she was really proud of me. To tell you the truth,I have never been the type of daughter that she  wants me to be.She wants me to get married and busy myself with kids and tending to the needs of my husband. I'm quite different and sometimes I can see the shadow of disappointments on her face. 

I have waited so long to fall in love. I had always guarded my heart during school and university days because I don't want anything to interfere with my studies. It was a hard earned degree and I want nothing to come as barrier. Finally I met someone who buys me book, who encourages me to write and who sees me from his heart. I'm fighting a battle in my heart to bring him into my family. I want them to see him for who he is. I want my mother to accept him and bless us.

Is it too much to ask?

Updates again!

This  is what happened when I pause writing for a while,I find it very hard to make a come back to the world of words. Maybe that's how my brain works. For example if I come back after a long holiday I will almost forget on how to do my office work. Somehow I would feel as though my brain has frozen  and the words are struggling to find rhythm  with my hands on the keyboard. (By the way,am I the only one who erases the whole sentence just because only one of the word has a typo error? )

I have taken up swimming lessons just for the fun of it. I almost drown so many times but M said  I should set a reminder on my brain that I wont ever drown in a swimming pool and hat hopefully gives me more confidence. I want to be able to swim and  I feel uttermost satisfaction and inner peace when I'm in the water. But to be honest,I'm quite disgusted when I overheard a mother who suggested her son to pee in the swimming pool when he had the urge to do so. To my surprise, the boy was matured enough not do so (or so I believe). Such is the condition of the world that I'm sharing with some people here.

Sometimes I feel as though I was dumped by a stork 25 years ago because I always find fault in whatever my family does for me or not allow me to do. I feel like I'm a teenage again where the whole world conspires to not letting me to live the way I want to. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer,everything happen quite late in my life.Few days ago I was sulking so badly that I asked my mother to sell away the cupboards,study tables and everything that she bought for me because I don't need those stuff.

I'm not complaining or stop counting my bliss,I'm just venting my heart out because it helps to put my thoughts in align with the normality of the world

On a brighter side, I have resorted to reading again to cure my  depressed heart and yes, a lot of chocolates and tooth ache to suffer later as well.

Towards the future....

Its 6.23am and I havent slept since four hours ago.The Time Traveller's Wife had somehow managed to find its way onto my bed tonight. Amidst the piles of pillows,the book decided to be my sole companion on one of these sleepless nights. Sometimes I just wish there's a curtain in my room that could somehow shows me towards the future, bring me to a certain world where I can get some answers to my questions.

In few years time, I wonder how the side of my bed will be,plainly cold or warmth from his breath? And whether it will be a one room apartment or a blue mansion by the seaside? How the old me would look like? Do I still frown at the sight of people who spit in the streets? Can coffee and ice creams still be my comforts on a gloomy day.

I heard them saying,knowing the future it ain't fun,it takes the fun out of living. But I want certainty,I want to know whether it will be or not be. I want to know what the future holds for me. I hope I dont change much in the future. I hope some tastes in food will remain the same. I hope the man who sells second hand books in Campbell street will still be selling cheap books to me. 

"Three books for 50 and you know I will always come back"  

Okay only for you dear.

I hope to see the same smile on my face again and again as I grab the books and walk back to a home where my heart is.

Prompt No 6: The hardest thing you’ve ever been through

There was a time in my life that I felt as though the whole world came crushing on me. It wasn't only me who felt such way,my family members were affected as well by what happened on that awful day of October 29, 2009.

What was the hardest thing i have gone through

Death...It is the saddest truth of life or is it the only truth in life?

A lot of questions raced through my mind when I heard what happened.  When we received the first call, we were told that he's lying unconsciously on the hospital bed ( which was obviously a lie). He was gone by that time and they didn't have the heart to  tell us the truth. I was so determined to save his life at any cost. After few hours another call came in and we were told about what  had actually happened to my cousin brother.

What first came to his mind when he realized that he's losing control of the plane and the next moment might not be his? How he felt when his entire life came flashing in front of him? Was there any moment he regrets the most? Was there any unfulfilled dreams? Did he remember the moment he peeped through the hospital glass to watch his newborn little sister and wonder how her life will be without him? What will happen to all the medals and trophy that shines proudly on his show case?

It was a bit hard for all of us to even think of a life without him.I mean how you even begin to a live without the usual phone calls and life update emails. How do you plan your vacation when the source of fun and happiness aren't there anymore? Life is certainly not the same without him. But you see, this is what happens when you went through the hardest time in your life.Slowly you will start to make peace with life and accept the term that not everything is sweet and rosy all the time. We all have to face death sooner or later.

Acceptance of his death brings me to another thought.Sometimes  I wonder  how would he react to the person I am now. I have changed a lot and maybe he wouldn't like the way I'm living now. I lie a lot to my parents and doing a job that I hate the most.These days I see myself a total failure. If anything good that happened in my life so far is the presence of RJ. I'm sure they will be good friends if he's still alive. Every time I speak to RJ, I see a glimpse of my brother in him. 

I think that's how you deal with the death of your loved ones. 

You see glimpses of them in everyone else....

He lived a good life ..I guess that's what matters the most now..

RIP brother...

Thank you for reading..:)

That one time you told a huge lie and kinda got away with it {or perhaps you didn’t and that would make an even better blog post! Cringe}

There was a huge organizational change happened back then. Our team was divided into two different business line. My whole new team was actually based on a different branch. Aforementioned company branch actually located quite far away and in order to reach there I have to pass by the bridge. My mom was really freaking out when I informed her about this. She told me if I have to move to a different branch, than I might as well quit my job. 

I tried explaining to her many times that I'm having difficulties to work in a situation where I was the only one left out at this branch and I have to move there as it will be convenient for me but all my effort was in vain. Distance wise it might be far but worth the travel. My mother stood firm on her decision and I have decided to move there anyway without telling her anything about it. I used to wake up so early to travel to the other branch and whenever she ask why the trouble going so early to work,I would just say I got a lot of things to do.

It went on just fine for few months till I found out that one of my distance cousin also worked in the same team, By knowing my name,he found out that I am actually his cousin sister.He started to call me 'sister' at office and trust me it was kinda awkward. As I feared, he started to spread the story about me working at this branch to his family members.Some secrets can't be hide forever.  My dad  happened to meet his dad at a funeral. During the casual talk,his dad bring up the topic of me who is working in the same company as his son. My dad,totally clueless about this was dumbfounded and asked me the next day  where exactly I was working. I was shocked but daring enough to say that I'm working at the same branch as this while.(I lied again) The whole day I was feeling guilty about hiding this from my father. That night I sneak in to my dad's room,bent on my knees and confessed that I actually working at that mainland branch and ask him not to tell mother as she will be worried about my safety.

Well,knowing my dad, I guess he told my mother about that but she never confront me about this tilll today.Anyways I'm back to the initial branch,special thanks to my current manager for bringing back to his team.

Thanks for reading..

I guess my writing getting worse day by day

Now and Then

I adore those who can write flawlessly, the way they line up words in sentences, creating a perfect harmony and mesmerizes anyone who reads them.

Words are beautiful, and to be able express oneself with words is definitely a gift that not everyone could own.
I love writing but for the past six months, words are hard to come by.

A lack of confidence I would say, but at the same time I do realize it could be because of the job I'm having right now. There's a reason why I'm still clinging on to the current job apart from the fact that it paid off my bills.

There's a lot of things happening in my life, some are very bad and some are very good. Life has its own share of ups and downs but then don't ever let your guards down. I have been hiding a lot of things from my parents and friends which I don't really like doing, but then it seems like nobody understand or even try to understand my point when I share
All their arguments seems to be based on religion and little on humanistic approach. It's really hard unless one day God himself can come down from wherever He is and explain to them about my feelings.
So that's why I have completely stop mingling around anyone these days and the sad part is I have stopped blogging altogether. From this post, you guys should have hinted how scattered my mind is right now but all I wanted to do is to start writing again.

A piece of dream

[Tried something different,quite a long post though. You may throw any kind of criticism into the comment box]

Wet clothes hanging on the balcony, I watch them proudly swinging their way in the wind like a careless child that doesn’t care about what lies tomorrow. I felt a tinge of pain on my eyes, wasn’t sure what causes it. Was it the summer haze or the memory of a child running veraciously chasing after the blue kite in the middle of a paddy field? I could hear her laughter, its contagious to the world. It’s been so long, the laughter still rings in my ear. Perhaps it was the latter; that child makes me feel so nostalgic on a Monday morning. It wasn’t a usual Monday morning though. The clock struck 8 am, Soumya was soundly asleep, I could hear her audible snoring. Ah, I bet the world she wouldn’t believe it when I told about her snoring when she wakes up! Tried that before and I failed. Soumya’s alarm buzzed frantically bringing me back to what she told me the day before.

‘Jansi,don’t ever forget to wake me up before you leave tomorrow’ said Soumya while craning her neck under the bed looking for her lost pencil. I chuckled at the thought that it could be near to impossible for her to get back the pencil as it might already swallowed by the ocean of junks that she carefully guarded under her bed all this while.

‘Ahuh..yeah I will but before that, don’t you think all these junks had already been two years old’ I said provided the fact that I’ve been her roommate for more than three years.

‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that ’she said.

                          

 I knew she will give up on the quest of finding the pencil as soon as she grabbed her blanket to catch a good night sleep. Soumya is always like that, a carefree soul, an antique collector, someone whom I will never trade for anything in the world.

I glanced towards the clock, bringing myself to this moment. I felt as though time is begging me not to be late especially on this auspicious day. I stood and head towards my wardrobe. It’s a peacock blue saree, a graduation gift from Soumya. I watch myself tying it in front of the mirror. I still remember how my mother tied it for me the last time. A red with golden border silk saree, she proudly exclaimed how much it cost and at the same time adoring the resemblance of her in me despite the tears that welled up my eyes.

‘I don’t want all this Ma, I don’t want to get marry.this is what I want Ma’I told her pointing to the offer letter from University of Madras which had been lying on my bed,stained with my tears all over it.  

‘You are a woman and you must get married’ she said while handing me a tray of coffee

‘Now go and make yourself worthy’

Worthy! Was that all she wanted from me? Till today I could never forget nor forgive. The day I bowed in front of some strangers, showcasing myself while obeying the rules set by the world.

‘My God,you look gracious Jansi’ Soumya’s voice startled me. She gave me a hug from behind and I quickly stop the tears that’s trickling down my eyes.I forced a wide grin on my face as I watch the excitement drawn on Soumya’s face .She will make up for all,she’ll be my family today. I assured myself.

‘Just give me a second,I’ll drive you to the campus’ Soumya said while heading towards bathroom with a towel on her shoulder.

Back inside the car, I was totally lost in my own thoughts. The ride that I took four years ago had brought me here. That night I decided to run away from home with a luggage of dreams and hope. It was midnight and everyone was soundly asleep after saying a toast to the alliance of me and Rajesh.

The beautiful view outside from the car window couldn’t pull back my wandering thoughts. I’d decided to leave the scenery behind this day. Memories of that moment kept on kicking my mind, stealing me away from the honking sounds and the couple that were fighting in the middle of the road. They had blocked away all the cars. In the meantime, I’m aware of Soumya swearing and throwing fist in the air but all I could hear was dead silence that accompanied me when I walked towards Amma’s bed that awful day. I kissed her forehead while whispering a silent farewell. She doesn’t know when a daughter goes to school; the whole family gets the scroll. Appa was sleeping on the other side, he had been so proud of me for bringing such a fortune to the family. Rajesh is a jackpot to us, I heard him saying to Amma. He raised me up just to bring me so much of disappointment.

Amidst the heavy traffic that overwhelmed the morning road, we reached on time. I saw a father adjusting his son’s tie and I saw a mother in a wheelchair kissing her daughter on the cheek. I saw a life presented in front of me, people from all over the world gathering to witness dreams coming true this day. Soumya wrapped her arms around mine assuring her presence beside me. Even though, she couldn’t make it through this semester but I could see pure happiness on her face as her best friend is the Gold Medal recipient of the year.

A huge applause came toiling behind me while I receive the honourable degree on the stage. I half smiled at Soumya whom had been beaming with pride as she said something to the lady beside her. I could slightly imagine that the conversation must be about me. I walked towards her and park myself on the empty seat to her left.

‘I think it’s time for me to go home,and this time I’m bringing along a piece of dream with me’I whispered to Soumya.

And for that I received the biggest hugs ever from her.

‘Yes,it’s time to go home’she nodded with a smile.

The ceremony took another two hours but all I could see was that child again. She was panting hard while resting her hands on her knees. She had stopped chasing for the kite as for now it had landed directly on her feet. I hear her laughter again,louder and now it brings me a radiant smile.

Dreams do come true with a little bit of running and chasing.

 For today, I felt how it really feels to be worthy.

[P.S: In some parts of the world,women are still denied access to a proper education. Hope the world will be more friendlier to all the women out there.]

Hoping for some candy bars

When I was a kid,I used to fall sick frequently and its a normal routine for my parents to travel back and forth to the hospital.Even when I return now,the doctors will be showing my records and tell me how I had been a loyal paying guest to the hospital.

There was an episode where I had to be given an injection on my back and of course being a kid I was terribly afraid of that long-intimidating syringe. Before the doctor gets his needles ready,he starts a simple conversation such as ''What's your name?'' How old are you and then he jumped to '' what you wanted to be when you grew up?''

While I was there,having a silent war on my mind whether to answer Doctor or Lawyer, he was already done with that shot on my back.Then,all that follows was a complete silence except for that 'Ouch' sound from my mouth.

You see,he carefully distracted me from the pain by diverting my thoughts to wander somewhere else. Of course before I left the room, he gave me some candy bars that's more than enough to take away all the pain in the world. The point is I don't remember the doctor's face,what's more his name.I don't even remember how painful the OUCH was,but till today I can never forget those candies and the child-like grin on my face.

I'm doing the same thing now,distracting my pain to something else.I'm not running away or trying to fix things around me.I have decided to sit cross legged on the floor of the cliff and concentrate on the breath taking view from here.This time I am set with a blanket and a tent. Instead of letting the phone kept on ringing,I've decided to pick up the call.I'm not happy nor sad,I'm just contended and grateful for all the little things that I'm having right now.

I admit that my life wasn't shaping the way I want it to be,at times I wish I could hold the key to my own destiny. Perhaps,as the saying goes..'we cannot change the cards we are dealt,just how we play the hand' would be appropriate to be made as a reference in my book called life. 

Who knows one day,maybe I will be able to forget the pain and all I could remember was those tiny small victories in the form of candy bars..

One more thing, you don't always get a chance to stand on top of a cliff ....