Contentment

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What is love? Is there a specific definition of love? 

How much can you love someone?

In a world that is obsessed with the idea of love, we find meanings in trivialities, we find hope

when we least expect it. Although we dread mundane routines, that’s what kept our sanity intact.

Some days we were over the moon, some days we can’t stand the pressure anymore.

Some days we were grateful for the moments we have, some days are not that good.

But in the wee hours of every night, my hands are constantly on the lookout of his. His hugs had kept

me warm and reassured. We have learned that this is what matters.

All those years of struggle, all those moments which passed by in vain, all those time we wasted

arguing over things that don't matter now disappears into shades of darkness, into an unknown abyss.

After all, we only have one life before time returns to fulfill it's obligations.

Are we still looking for definition of love?

Here to many more Novembers

I don’t believe in praying to make things happen. I have passed that stage of innocence for whatever it's worth. 

Because I always have this feeling that God is against me, the universe can’t wait to see me fall. I don’t know how one live when they have trust issues with the world. Instead of hoping for miracles, I find out ways to make things work.

The only good thing coming out from this ordeal is that it makes me stronger, makes me a hardcore, if I give up, I will fall right into the pit hole. I think that is what brought us this far.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

On a sunny November day, we stood in front of the Justice of Peace and read our vows, and I guess that was the best decision we have made so far.

To be truthful, I am afraid of the future.

For the soul

She listened attentively to the sound of raindrops, trying to weave a rhythm in her mind. Born blind, she lives in complete darkness. Somehow, every time the raindrops hit her window panes, it lights up her world.

She heard his loafers making its way towards her. As he brushed her hair, their scent converges into one. She held on to his arm and placed his hand on her lap while singing a lullaby. He couldn’t hear a thing but from the tapping of her fingers on his chest, he could feel the beat.

“Music must be something beautiful” he thought

My Own God

When I was a kid,they fed me with the thoughts that our ultimate goal in life is to enter heaven, we have to fear God all the time and bring others to God’s path. It took me a while really, to wash away those thoughts because they somehow found a way to etch deeply on my mind for a long time.

For me Religion is not about accumulating points to enter heaven, it’s about making this world a better place to live, for all. I don’t believe in the hereafter, I don’t find a purpose to have all the grand things in heaven after I die. If I said this aloud, I would be condemned in all ways. My family members literally hate the way I think. Some thought Education has made me this way, or love had changed me. It irked me when my father told me not to read certain books. The ugly truth IS the concept they preach! It loathes me, and had made me succumb to this decision, to abandon Religion altogether.

I created my own God, the one who shares the same vision as mine, the one who loves me for who I am. They said my life is meaningless without Religion and God. They still didn’t get that I am happier this way.  For them it’s fine if I am miserable in the shackles of Religion as long as I don’t abandon it.

I stop praying, I am still wearing my headscarf because it has been a part of me for a long time, the part of me that I find it difficult to shed away. I started wearing hijab when I was 11 years old, because of the peer pressure that surrounds me and all I want to do that time was to win over the hearts of people around me. Now I find myself trapped in this identity that I don’t believe anymore. More importantly, I choose to keep it on my head all the time to make my mother happy. I fast in the Ramadan to make my mother feel good. Nothing more, nothing less.

I just hope someday I will find my own home, create my own my family and make this world a better place for my children. 

Some updates

I find it easier to blend in with strangers because I am just tired of answering questions from people around me. I tendered my resignation last week; my colleagues were shocked when I announced it during team meeting while my manager was hinting on the prospect of reshuffling the team. Everyone wants to know what my next plan is, about the new job and so on. But I am not interested to share my life plans with them. 

On another note, It felt as though  they were not sad that I am leaving, they are sad for the reason of being left behind. 

But again, life is not meant to be lived in one place. I will not give up, I will move around until I find a place to call home.

That brings me to the reason of this blog post, I got a job in Singapore and I can’t wait to move away from here. I am not a fan of Singapore, but I cant brush away the thoughts that this country might set a path for me to elsewhere, somewhere better.  

Finally, a good news after a while!

I hope all goes well because I have no other options than to make this work for me.

                                                      Image courtesy

I want to come back but I am not sure what to write. My life is still the same, with ideas and plans that never materialized. Yet, I am still clinging to hope, that someday everything will be all right and I will have a chance at happiness and peace.