When I was a kid,they fed me with the thoughts that our ultimate goal in life is to enter heaven, we have to fear God all the time and bring others to God’s path. It took me a while really, to wash away those thoughts because they somehow found a way to etch deeply on my mind for a long time.
For me Religion is not about accumulating points to enter heaven, it’s about making this world a better place to live, for all. I don’t believe in the hereafter, I don’t find a purpose to have all the grand things in heaven after I die. If I said this aloud, I would be condemned in all ways. My family members literally hate the way I think. Some thought Education has made me this way, or love had changed me. It irked me when my father told me not to read certain books. The ugly truth IS the concept they preach! It loathes me, and had made me succumb to this decision, to abandon Religion altogether.
I created my own God, the one who shares the same vision as mine, the one who loves me for who I am. They said my life is meaningless without Religion and God. They still didn’t get that I am happier this way. For them it’s fine if I am miserable in the shackles of Religion as long as I don’t abandon it.
I stop praying, I am still wearing my headscarf because it has been a part of me for a long time, the part of me that I find it difficult to shed away. I started wearing hijab when I was 11 years old, because of the peer pressure that surrounds me and all I want to do that time was to win over the hearts of people around me. Now I find myself trapped in this identity that I don’t believe anymore. More importantly, I choose to keep it on my head all the time to make my mother happy. I fast in the Ramadan to make my mother feel good. Nothing more, nothing less.
I just hope someday I will find my own home, create my own my family and make this world a better place for my children.