Saturday, January 28, 2012

Standing on top of a cliff

‘Depression is a big word,I wouldn’t prefer to use it to describe my state of mind’. Alex’s words echoes back to me.

I couldn't agree more with him few years back but now I want to borrow that word from the dictionary. Yes, depression, that feeling of standing on top of a cliff, not having the guts to fall and at the same time not wanting to make a U-turn. So I stand there, tormented by the heat, strangled by the cold with legs shaking and hands shivering. There’s a void inside me, it’s been there for quite some time. Sometimes I wish I could grab a stranger’s hand, drag her to a bench and tell her all the stories from the very beginning. But even when they are all ears, I couldn’t formulate a word. 

It’s strange, I have a good family (with some flaws of course) and good friends but then I don’t know what brings me to this cliff in the first place. I feel as though the freedom had been taken away from me, just like a bird, not trapped in a cage, but a bird with wounded feathers, wanted to make a fly but just couldn’t move its wings. It’s all started since the day I’ve graduated. Nothing seems to be exciting anymore. I just don’t know, I was searching for something beyond that I’ve lost track of time. When I look back it seems that I’ve wasted a lot of time chasing for something that’s never real.

There’s something bothering me in my head with questions and doubts that I couldn’t really decipher at this moment. I have to admit at times I just wanted to pack my things, sneak out of the house when everyone asleep and never ever returns back. Completely disappear from everyone and start everything all over again at a different place with different people where nobody knows me, but it ain’t that easy as it seems. I love these people too much that I can’t bear to leave them behind.   

I’m still there, on top of the cliff. It’s just a matter of time for me to gain enough energy to make a jump but I won’t because when the last time I was there, God send me someone that came and grab my hands, someone that assured me that I can still fly even with broken wings. Indeed God has always been benevolent towards me.

For now, I’m still waiting for a signal that could set me free from all this insanity that brings me to this place, waiting for that someone to come, grab my hands and teach me how to fly again.

And so I’ll wait because I have all the faith in the world....

34 comments:

  1. This is beautifully written :)
    And you know what , sometimes you just have to grab your own hand and start walking back , away from the cliff . Sometimes you have to start being the reason for your own happiness.
    And yeah depression is a strong word .
    May it all turn around soon :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you dear,at some point we have to grab our own hand

      All is well :)

      Delete
  2. Lovely writing, honest and inspiring........as we say the grass is not always greener on the other side. Flying leaving everything behind is not the solution I think, we need to solve the issues we have in order to move on for the best.
    Be patient, remain faithful and open your eyes and your heart, so you know when the hand presents itself, it's time to fly.

    Take care sis and always remember we are here for you, strong shoulder to rely on.
    have a beautiful week-end!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Marie,you always have the right words to say :)

      Delete
  3. depression. it can kill. this is another beautiful narration.
    very sincere sharing. if you need a companion to channel what's playing in your head let me know 'cos i am available for that :)

    take care and good night :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey..
      thanks ..that was so kind of you boy :) Your words are more than enough for me :)

      Thanks again :)

      Delete
  4. Standing on a cliff is not a great idea though if you wish to fly. Most airliners operate at a pretty low fare and you can board one of them to fly out of depression. You can also hang around jet engine for a while to see how air is compressed to provide the initial thrust.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Awww.. Other side..
    Candid writing, yet sad..
    Take care sweetheart :)
    And don't forget to smile often!! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Often we happen to stand up on a cliff called depression, having nowhere to go. Everything around seems so painful, sad, and discouraging around you when you find yourself on that cliff. But sooner or later i am sure you will figure out a way to fly like you have had before with all the high sprits, strong mind and a courageous heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks elvirah :)yes it takes time to fly :D

      Delete
  7. hey janeman
    i hope you missed me. :)
    coz i am missing you bahut zada
    love you baby :)
    and the post made me nostalgic :(
    but anywayz the style, and way you write is marvelous
    and i do read your posts just fail to comment :)
    i hope you are doing fine,enjoying and living to the fullest.
    1st march se exams ae
    and before dat loadz of activities and extra things
    i hope i can come back soon to this wonderful place- blogville
    till then
    miss me
    take care
    love ya

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey TOSM, I am back :D How have you been? Depression..umm..No comments please :( Just got out of it somehow! ;) And give it a time, you will fly again. I assure you, you will. You know why? Because the broken wings can always be healed. Stay blessed <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey stranger..how are u..thanks for dropping by,its been sooo long :) yeah its all about timing I guess :)
      yes broken wings can always be healed :) stay blessed

      Delete
  9. awwwww i feel like same most of the time, beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am having the exact same feeling. I am trying hard to avoid posting it. True, even when someone is there to listen everything, it's still difficult to confess every ounce of thought you have had since that incident :(

    my friends tell me "don't worry, everything will be fine"

    my answer remains "nothing will be fine unless you make it fine"

    so try to make it fine. Stop waiting. Speaking from experience, even if someone comes to grab your hand, drags you away from the cliff, the same person later brings you back from where you started.

    believe in yourself. Stay Blessed ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey..yeah the feeling of not expressing the thought..its hard..I know that :)

      Yeah i have agree with you S,most of the time the same person brings us back to where it all started

      You too stay blessed..

      and thanks for the words

      Delete
  11. You really don't want to bet on the world while standing on that cliff. There are plenty of sadists who'd just poke you to see you fall. Have faith in yourself, it is there where you'd find strength.
    As for the void, it comes and goes, breathe it in, and out.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks BA..yes you are right..some ppl are just waiting for me to make the jump :(

      I do have faith :)
      Im breathing it in and out :)

      Delete
  12. Your 'about me' reminds me of an old saying: Everything is fun as long as it's happening to someone else.

    Have courage in your heart and dreams in your eyes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your words destiny child :)

      I had just gathered all my courage and dreams :)

      Delete
  13. it's wonderful that you can express thoughts even if they're not wonderful. feelings come and go, they do not last forever. learn from your feelings and it's good that you're blogging. sometimes it's good to stand on a cliff because you can see below--all the dangers, but imagine the invisible hand in bloggers land, holding onto yours, helping you back after you've surveyed what's below.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. heyyyy

      yeah we all have our days like that :( Blogging does help me a lot ..Im overwhelmed by all the invisible hands in bloggers land :) they are always here :)

      thank you peaches for your words :)

      Delete
  14. some people jump from cliff to die...they die....

    many are so afraid of death that they dare not to came close to the cliff...they don't live, just survive.

    few believe in themselves and jump....mid way their fall they realize that they already know how to fly, and they never hit the bottom....

    wish you all the best :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Liked the way you interpreted it :)
      I wish I could fall on the last category

      Thank you Sub :)

      Delete
  15. It's great that you have the courage for honest expression of raw thought.

    ReplyDelete
  16. While on the cliff, enjoy the scenery and the landscape...
    The world looks different when view from the top. And fly when there is a wind in the air, strength in the wings and hope in the heart.

    Good Wishes :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah im enjoying the view Kunal
      its very different and Im all alone
      Nicely said..thank you very much :)

      Delete
  17. Your blog is truly deep. I'm glad I came across it.

    ReplyDelete
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