‘Depression is a big word,I wouldn’t prefer to use it to describe my state of mind’. Alex’s words echoes back to me.
I couldn't agree more with him few years back but now I want to borrow that word from the dictionary. Yes, depression, that feeling of standing on top of a cliff, not having the guts to fall and at the same time not wanting to make a U-turn. So I stand there, tormented by the heat, strangled by the cold with legs shaking and hands shivering. There’s a void inside me, it’s been there for quite some time. Sometimes I wish I could grab a stranger’s hand, drag her to a bench and tell her all the stories from the very beginning. But even when they are all ears, I couldn’t formulate a word.
It’s strange, I have a good family (with some flaws of course) and good friends but then I don’t know what brings me to this cliff in the first place. I feel as though the freedom had been taken away from me, just like a bird, not trapped in a cage, but a bird with wounded feathers, wanted to make a fly but just couldn’t move its wings. It’s all started since the day I’ve graduated. Nothing seems to be exciting anymore. I just don’t know, I was searching for something beyond that I’ve lost track of time. When I look back it seems that I’ve wasted a lot of time chasing for something that’s never real.
There’s something bothering me in my head with questions and doubts that I couldn’t really decipher at this moment. I have to admit at times I just wanted to pack my things, sneak out of the house when everyone asleep and never ever returns back. Completely disappear from everyone and start everything all over again at a different place with different people where nobody knows me, but it ain’t that easy as it seems. I love these people too much that I can’t bear to leave them behind.
I’m still there, on top of the cliff. It’s just a matter of time for me to gain enough energy to make a jump but I won’t because when the last time I was there, God send me someone that came and grab my hands, someone that assured me that I can still fly even with broken wings. Indeed God has always been benevolent towards me.
For now, I’m still waiting for a signal that could set me free from all this insanity that brings me to this place, waiting for that someone to come, grab my hands and teach me how to fly again.
And so I’ll wait because I have all the faith in the world....