Now and Then

I adore those who can write flawlessly, the way they line up words in sentences, creating a perfect harmony and mesmerizes anyone who reads them.

Words are beautiful, and to be able express oneself with words is definitely a gift that not everyone could own.
I love writing but for the past six months, words are hard to come by.

A lack of confidence I would say, but at the same time I do realize it could be because of the job I'm having right now. There's a reason why I'm still clinging on to the current job apart from the fact that it paid off my bills.

There's a lot of things happening in my life, some are very bad and some are very good. Life has its own share of ups and downs but then don't ever let your guards down. I have been hiding a lot of things from my parents and friends which I don't really like doing, but then it seems like nobody understand or even try to understand my point when I share
All their arguments seems to be based on religion and little on humanistic approach. It's really hard unless one day God himself can come down from wherever He is and explain to them about my feelings.
So that's why I have completely stop mingling around anyone these days and the sad part is I have stopped blogging altogether. From this post, you guys should have hinted how scattered my mind is right now but all I wanted to do is to start writing again.

Very Much Me

In the moment of despair who do you believe, the family members that you are slowly walking away from or the friends that kept on asking what’s wrong with you and why are you turning a cold shoulder on us? Or the love of your life sitting there next to you almost every day, wondering what had made this girl with sparkling eyes changed so much and trying so hard to make the smile appear again. The melancholic feeling that I have is stressing him much but at the same time I do know how much he yearns to see that smile, the kind of smile that reaches the ears, the kind of smile that brings up the tiny dimples to the surface. 

I don’t want to change but changes are inevitable. We change all the time but the essences are still there. If you ripped out my soul, you will still see me, the cheerful girl with that bright smile, the weird girl that reads and writes. I am still here, very much present although my thoughts are scattered everywhere. Yes, very much present but just constantly travelling back and forth between the past and the future.

Future scares me, I have thought many times to end my life but then what makes me to hang on a little longer. The same people that I questioned earlier, the family members that are coming closer to me even when I deliberately pushing them away from me all the time, the friends that’s not giving up on me and the love of my life, who once looked into my eyes and told me, Do you want to know the reason why God brings you here? He did it for me because I need you and you have to hang on because I need you.

And that’s why the knife is still inside the drawer and that’s why the walk to the pharmacy never took place at all and that’s why I woke up every day with a tiny shimmering light of hope in my heart that says just hang on, a little longer for yourself and for them. And that’s the reason for everything...

The Incomplete Stories

What’s important for a writer? To finish the story they have started? I wonder what happens to unfinished stories. The stories that couldn't be completed for some reason. While there could be various reasons,the author might have passed away or the author might not even want to complete the story in the first place for the fear of what will happen if the characters decided to bring out a piece of the their own life into the surface. It’s scary in a way though,like aborting a child,killing a life even before it inhales its first breath. 

What will happen if the characters were given a chance to carve their own journey with ink and papers? How the story will be? I guess it will always remain a puzzle,all the drafts layered with dusts remain under the bed forever unless someone comes along ,blew the dusts away and give a new life to the those words. I don’t know but I do feel sorry for them,they deserves a chance,they deserves an ending indeed all of us deserves to be given a chance.

Here's a toast to all  the unfinished stories,for all the characters that’s hiding behind the veil..I heard your silent weeps and your secret yearnings….Oh yes,I heard you..

Tell me bloggers,do u have a unfinished story?

How does it feels?

How does it feels to be a caterpillar that could not turn into butterfly?

How does it feels to be a child without mother?
How does it feels to be a bird with broken wings?
How does it feels to be crippled?
How does it feels to be a beggar on the road?
How does it feels to wake up in the morning without hope?
How does it feels to be a snake that has lost its venom?
How does it feels to be a caged lion?
How does it feels to lose everything at some point in life?

Life is so imperfect with so much flaws. But then what is life without imperfections? In imperfections,we see perfections. Perfect love,perfect courage,perfect strength and perfect smiles.There's a certain beauty in imperfections that can't be seen in perfections.


I don't want to be Perfect,I want to be Imperfectly beautiful.

Shells in the heart

Image courtesy

She was busy making something out of that one dollar note, perhaps an origami that she learnt years ago. Are you trying to make a heart shape out of the note? he asked.

Just like a small kid reacting after been caught for stealing candies, she pursed her lips trying to hide her embarrassment. She wonder how he could do that all the time, the way he weaves all the thoughts that have been occupying her scattered mind. Ironic still, he kept saying ‘I can’t read your mind; you seem to build walls around you’

There’s a familiar song playing on the background but she couldn’t recall the exact title of the song. That strains her thoughts not being able to recall the title of the song even though she could remember the lyrics by heart.  The noise from the crowds doesn’t help much making her to get back those hands to work on that one dollar again.

She lowered down her gaze, pretending to concentrate on the note and not his eyes. Those eyes do wonders, makes her feel like a glowing princess with a crystal crown. What makes her to turn back to him for everything, just like the way the moon encircles the Earth, her footsteps follows wherever his shadow goes. Perhaps this is what love is all about. Maybe this is what all the poets are trying to convey in their words. Finally everything started to make sense, all those tales written by man. The sweet melancholic feeling when it comes to love. Maybe this is what written in all the romantic books that’s struggling to be given a space in her wardrobe. Love always has a way to attract the crowds.

This feeling is like collecting shells along the seashore. She knew time is running out, in fact the future of both of them to be together seems vague. She needs to find as much shells as she could to be kept in a lovely Pandora box, shoved under the bed and to be opened only when no one is around. That’s how she see this moment as, too precious to not pay attention to it.

The sound of a fork been drop forced her thoughts to come back to the present moment .She wants to make a heart shape out of the note and give it to him. She wants him to keep that heart shape note as her remembrance. But then, her hands kept on failing her. She found him looking at her clumsy hands which are battling to make a perfect heart shape out of the note. That makes her feel vulnerable; she can’t seem to do anything when those eyes watch every movement of hers.

She gives up on the note and passed the crumpled note back to him. Maybe this could be a sign, maybe both of them are never meant to be together after all. Maybe he shouldn’t keep anything that reminds him of her. That’s how paranoid she is, she always look out for a sign, silent hints that God bestowed upon them.

‘You are just too pious,P.I.O.U.S’she remember him stressing out the word by spelling it for her. How could this happen, a strong believer and a logic thinker to be attracted towards each other? Again, maybe this is what love is all about.

Out of a sudden, he breaks the silence. He furrowed his brows and ask her what she thinks about him and what makes her to fall for him.

‘Don’t ask me these questions, because I just have no answer for it. It just happens’ she said even though she wants to say so much but she knew words not helping her at all. She can’t express much verbally. It’s one of her flaws. If he asks her to pen down her thoughts, maybe it will reach more than a thousand pages.

‘Maybe you just admire me for who I am, maybe this could just be a plain attraction’ he kept presenting her with facts and logic. He’s an open thinker, he believes in reasons and consequences. He questions the rules set by the world. But whenever the brain takes over his heart, he’s prone to hurt her even more. And when the feeling she has for him been countered with logics, she will be silent and let her tears to take over instead.

This is how it goes all the time. Her expression will slowly soften his heart. The tears will bring him back to her. Just in a split of seconds, his heart will slowly regains its place and he knew this little girl with sparkling eyes adores him so much and it soothes him.

Sometimes,knowing that someone loves you  so much could bring tears. And so he will shed some tears for the love of his life. How could he doubt her true love when her heart has already nested softly under his roof…..and this is how it always ends all the time….

P.S: [Im back]..miss being here so muchhhh...

I can't even think of a title!!!I'm that lost here

I think the ability to write and express yourself in words is a gift that only some have. I had the privilege once but now I cant write anymore.Its been a while and even writing a lengthy email to a dear friend take ages to be composed. I don't know,should I blame it on the hectic life that I'm having right now or should I blame it on the crashed computer that I just managed to fix it now after errr...months.

Well well,I'm back and I don't know how many people still remembers me here. Nevertheless you people always have a special couch on my heart.

Although its just been slightly more than one month I've posted anything over here but it feels like years..Hmmm..I guess I'm just over exaggerating my thoughts..Okay people its good to be home and I hope I were missed while I'm gone.

And yeah to all of my love readers...A Happy Eidul-Fitr..Have  a good one with your loved ones...

I hope I could post something more interesting that crapping about my disappearance on the next post..

Till then over and out...

I will be ME always...

'You are not doing good today but you will be better someday and when the day comes you don't forget how you were today" he said.


"No,I will never forget the way I am today,how can I ever forget this?" I asked him.


"Believe me I have seen all..one day you will forget all this and when a new hire came and ask you questions you'll feel irritated of them"

I couldn't agree more with him on this.Its the truth .One day I will forget all these pain,one day I will be better at this job but I hope I wouldn't change and always remember where I came from.I don't want to be like some of the jackasses in my office.They forget about their past and proudly boasting on how far they have come in their life I think this is the problem with us,we forget where we were yesterday because we are so concern about building our tomorrows. 


Nevertheless,I do realize that dwelling in the past could be really harmful to the present but some moments of pain should be remembered always because we never know how much another person needs our share our pain so that they will have hope in their life.


Some people just need to hear some assuring words "I have been there and you'll get through this too"

I hope I will always be me,the girl who never forget even the simplest kindness that humans offered to her.

I hope even when things change,I will never lose this special part of me.

On another note,thank you very much to all of you for the lovely words that you guys commented.Believe me people,even though I have never met any of you,but I will never forget all those encouraging words that you guys had given me.


Thank you for being here...


..and he told me "One day when I got better,I should help others to realize their dreams too"


..And deep down in his heart,he knows I'm someone who keep my words..