Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Here to many more Novembers

I don’t believe in praying to make things happen. I have passed that stage of innocence for whatever it's worth. 

Because I always have this feeling that God is against me, the universe can’t wait to see me fall. I don’t know how one live when they have trust issues with the world. Instead of hoping for miracles, I find out ways to make things work.

The only good thing coming out from this ordeal is that it makes me stronger, makes me a hardcore, if I give up, I will fall right into the pit hole. I think that is what brought us this far.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

On a sunny November day, we stood in front of the Justice of Peace and read our vows, and I guess that was the best decision we have made so far.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Saturday, March 12, 2016

For the soul

She listened attentively to the sound of raindrops, trying to weave a rhythm in her mind. Born blind, she lives in complete darkness. Somehow, every time the raindrops hit her window panes, it lights up her world.

She heard his loafers making its way towards her. As he brushed her hair, their scent converges into one. She held on to his arm and placed his hand on her lap while singing a lullaby. He couldn’t hear a thing but from the tapping of her fingers on his chest, he could feel the beat.

“Music must be something beautiful” he thought

Saturday, August 29, 2015

My Own God

When I was a kid,they fed me with the thoughts that our ultimate goal in life is to enter heaven, we have to fear God all the time and bring others to God’s path. It took me a while really, to wash away those thoughts because they somehow found a way to etch deeply on my mind for a long time.

For me Religion is not about accumulating points to enter heaven, it’s about making this world a better place to live, for all. I don’t believe in the hereafter, I don’t find a purpose to have all the grand things in heaven after I die. If I said this aloud, I would be condemned in all ways. My family members literally hate the way I think. Some thought Education has made me this way, or love had changed me. It irked me when my father told me not to read certain books. The ugly truth IS the concept they preach! It loathes me, and had made me succumb to this decision, to abandon Religion altogether.

I created my own God, the one who shares the same vision as mine, the one who loves me for who I am. They said my life is meaningless without Religion and God. They still didn’t get that I am happier this way.  For them it’s fine if I am miserable in the shackles of Religion as long as I don’t abandon it.

I stop praying, I am still wearing my headscarf because it has been a part of me for a long time, the part of me that I find it difficult to shed away. I started wearing hijab when I was 11 years old, because of the peer pressure that surrounds me and all I want to do that time was to win over the hearts of people around me. Now I find myself trapped in this identity that I don’t believe anymore. More importantly, I choose to keep it on my head all the time to make my mother happy. I fast in the Ramadan to make my mother feel good. Nothing more, nothing less.

I just hope someday I will find my own home, create my own my family and make this world a better place for my children. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Some updates

I find it easier to blend in with strangers because I am just tired of answering questions from people around me. I tendered my resignation last week; my colleagues were shocked when I announced it during team meeting while my manager was hinting on the prospect of reshuffling the team. Everyone wants to know what my next plan is, about the new job and so on. But I am not interested to share my life plans with them. 

On another note, It felt as though  they were not sad that I am leaving, they are sad for the reason of being left behind. 

But again, life is not meant to be lived in one place. I will not give up, I will move around until I find a place to call home.

That brings me to the reason of this blog post, I got a job in Singapore and I can’t wait to move away from here. I am not a fan of Singapore, but I cant brush away the thoughts that this country might set a path for me to elsewhere, somewhere better.  

Finally, a good news after a while!

I hope all goes well because I have no other options than to make this work for me.

                                                      Image courtesy

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I want to come back but I am not sure what to write. My life is still the same, with ideas and plans that never materialized. Yet, I am still clinging to hope, that someday everything will be all right and I will have a chance at happiness and peace.

Friday, March 6, 2015

India's Daughter and My Family

I am sure everyone has heard about India’s Daughter documentary by Leslee Udwin. For the past few days, rage swept all over Social Media on what some people in the documentary had to say about Rape and women’s place in the society. Well, the disgracing people include the defense lawyer M.L Sharma and Mukesh Singh, one of the accused.

I was appalled by what these strangers had to say about how India has the best culture in the world, a culture where there’s no place for women. I can still ignore or comprehend it for those words were uttered by a complete asshole who I have no relation at all. I would have just gone ahead as another day, grabbing a cold drink to chill my throat in this hot weather, but when one of my own family members said “Jyoti Singh is equally to be blamed for going out for a movie at night”, I was utterly shocked. But when one of my own family members said “Jyothi Singh is equally to be blamed for going to a movie at night”, I was utterly shocked. The person continued to justify her statement by quoting how women are naturally weak and how bad the world is around us. I was also lectured on how men’s only temptation is Sexual Temptation. She added that it was all up to us on how we guard ourselves. (Of course going out at night with a man who isn't your father/ brother/ uncle for a movie is certainly not one of it!)

My face literally turns white. I was astonished, sad and angry over a remark by someone I love, someone whom I share my frustration in normal daily basis.
What went wrong in our perceptions of our own gender? Since when a woman is against one another?

A lot of questions ran through my mind. Are we teaching our kids the right thing? That women and men are equal or are we are teaching our boys that God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man and the females should always adhere to their husband’s wish? That if she tolerates her husband’s emotional and physical beatings she would be rewarded in the hereafter!
If you think this kind of mentality only runs in certain part of the world, you are wrong! It’s happening right here in a small apartment of a middle class family in a developing country. It’s coming straight away from a well-educated woman. It’s happening right in front of my face. It wasn't her fault; it was how she was brought up. The harsh reality is there will be a queue of women who will echo her words.

When I fought and raised my voice against their mentality, my gaze were returned with dismays as if I have sinned, as if there’s something terrible with my mind and that I am going to end up burn in hell.

Whatever it is, I will fight till my last breath, if not to change the world I have to at least bring some changes within my own family.