Sometimes I think that I'm attracted to sadness the way moths are attracted to lights. Subsequently it became essential and a way of life because in contrary to sadness,happiness demand a lot of things,it comes with a heavy price to pay at the end of the month. Most of the times I have nothing left in my pocket. Happiness makes my shoulder heavy with insecurity that this too shall fade away, that I will go back to a pathetic life again. This eventually makes me to lose tiny bits of pleasure that I get from little things around me, such as the time that I spent after work eating burgers and fries with him.
This doesn't bother me..
Until I realize I'm dragging along my love ones into this, into the circle of melancholy. At times I get so mad for every minor mistakes because I'm just so desperate to leave this circle of unhappiness but I couldn't do it. I'm just too attached to unhappiness and of course that eventually makes everyone around me unhappy as well because I dig out the past, point out mistakes on what could have been done differently, that could have made me happier rather than enjoying the present moments,the moment that matters.
The truth is I want to be happy like everybody else but I'm just feeling too guilty for being happy, for being who I am because it contradicts so much with my mother's dream, my father's principal and my entire family's belief.
After all its my life. I want people to stop telling me that I need a proper bed instead of a mattress alone in my room so that it will easier for a group of fat aunties to sit whenever they visit our home.
Why are they even allowed into my room? I asked. What are you saying and whats your story? asked my mother.
Duh! I want them to stop lecturing me to not spend my hard earned money on books and vacations. I want to be able to live my own life, make mistakes that I wont regret and travel all around the world.
More that anything,
I want to read.
I want to write.
And I want to have super internet connections.