I have a guilt in my heart. The size of the guilt is as big as resentment,as hollow as sadness and as pure as a gem. The guilt doesn't have a double face, it acknowledges itself and somehow makes the presence less hateful and harmful to me. But I wonder how long I can live with such a guilt? Sometimes, the guilt doesn't seem far greater that the offerings from the other side because they seems to be so appealing and gives me a sense of freedom.
I grew up in a world that feeds me with the fear of God and His punishment. If you cross the borderline,you'll rot in hell and be tortured for the rest of your death. But what happens to something that you fear so much? It wears you down,it makes your shoulders hunch, sag your eyes and makes your palms sweat. And what happened when you have passed the fear line, you will start to hate it, the mere existence of fear wont make sense anymore because you have embraced bravery and for once you know how it feels to relax your shoulder and release the grip of your palms.
But,everything comes with a price, this bravery that you have embraced gave birth to guilt. A feeling of betraying and denying the past of your inner child. A moment of rebelling against everything you have been taught. The thoughts of what others will label you now.
But this guilt certainly doesn't hurt as much as fear because for now I have learned how to love with all my heart.