While everyone anticipating the arrival of the new year, I felt somehow burden and anxiety filling up the dates of 2014. This year wasn't so kind to me but I wont deny the challenges and adventures that took place in 2013. I have traveled to many places inside and outside the country and have fulfilled 6 out of my 10 resolutions, carrying forward 4 to the coming year. Being financially independent helps me to fulfill my wishlist faster than I thought. One thing that I struggled and still struggling the most is getting consent from my mother who thinks I should get married first before booking for flights and carrying my luggage around the world.
Self identity and writing ,
The confusions are still there, I'm still navigating my way of finding the right path for me. Besides, I'm actively writing, (even though I don't post regularly here) because I want to write for myself, if people likes to read my blog,its kind of a bonus. But sometimes in Blogger I get distracted with amount of followers and comments which eventually affects me in some way. So until I get rid of obsessions over comments and over what others think of me, I will be limiting the posts.
What I'm expecting from 2014?
To be more braver in voicing out my opinions. Sometimes or rather should I say all the time, I feel as though I'm doing things to please/make others happy more that my own self. Seriously, its wearing me out and makes me tired and depressed. I don't want to say yes for lunch time invitation when I have no mood to eat.I need to learn to say NO rather than saying YES for something that I don't want to do.
I'm getting rid of my old clothes lately, it is sort of cleansing my inner self, getting rid the pain of the past even though one can be very skeptical about it. But this ritual really forces me to get something good and new to wear even though after few days I go back to my old faded t-shirts. While other girls shops for new dresses and cosmetics, I filled up my room with books and more books and 2013 had really been a year of books for me. Maybe that's how I filled up the void in my heart. I don't know why, I never have any interest in improving my outer appearance. I'm just too comfortable in my 5 years old, worn out black jacket. And people who loves me doesn't care about how I look even though sometimes my mom thinks I should wear nice clothes more so that it will be faster for me to get married. I'm doing just fine being me.
Looking for new job prospects, going to attend interview soon for higher post coming January. Eleven people have applied for this job,only one position available. Not sure who applied it though but I heard some senior colleagues are trying their luck as well. So far my performance have been good. At the same time I'm looking around for jobs in other departments as well. Hopefully I will get some raise in pay by Mid March.If not I''m leaving the company for good because i don't want to have a stagnant career and doing the same job for many years to come. This is not what I signed up for when I joined the company back in 2012.
Over the years especially in 2013, I have become more of an introvert. I changed my number and deactivate FB a number of times. The only reason I'm keeping FB alive because of the games. I find solitude to be so soothing. But its hard to be in solitary because people around wants to be with me all the time. They don't understand my needs to be alone. My friends think that I have forgotten them because I'm in a relationship or have found other new friends. That's not the case actually, I just want to be alone in my room and read. My job requires me to speak for 8 hours daily. I just have no time to attend their calls and listen them gossiping about others. Nowadays I don't find anything in common with most of my friends. Most of the time, they invite me for shopping which I loathe so much. I know its not good to cut off friendship just like that, but many times I feel they weren't there when I needed them most and they can never understand me for who I am. I have few friends in Bloggers and M seems to be tagging along just fine with me. I think that should be enough for now.
If something that makes me go on despite all the hatred towards everything, it will be love. Everyday, I'm grateful to be still in love, grateful to have someone who understands me well. Someone who's not ashamed of sharing the same plate of food with me in public. Someone who accepts me for who I am. Someone who is patience enough to deal with my madness. Its not easy to maintain a relationship despite of so many limitations between us. Some people are making it really hard for us and we are constantly struggling to keep things going.Life is surely going to be a bumpy ride, if not this challenge, it will be something else. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, hoping 2014 bring some good vibes.
Overall it had been a very balanced year for me, some days ended in tears and some days begin with so much laughter. I hope 2014 will be a better one for all of us.
Happy New Year everyone, wishing you all a great beginning. :)