Saturday, January 12, 2013

Very Much Me

In the moment of despair who do you believe, the family members that you are slowly walking away from or the friends that kept on asking what’s wrong with you and why are you turning a cold shoulder on us? Or the love of your life sitting there next to you almost every day, wondering what had made this girl with sparkling eyes changed so much and trying so hard to make the smile appear again. The melancholic feeling that I have is stressing him much but at the same time I do know how much he yearns to see that smile, the kind of smile that reaches the ears, the kind of smile that brings up the tiny dimples to the surface. 

I don’t want to change but changes are inevitable. We change all the time but the essences are still there. If you ripped out my soul, you will still see me, the cheerful girl with that bright smile, the weird girl that reads and writes. I am still here, very much present although my thoughts are scattered everywhere. Yes, very much present but just constantly travelling back and forth between the past and the future.

Future scares me, I have thought many times to end my life but then what makes me to hang on a little longer. The same people that I questioned earlier, the family members that are coming closer to me even when I deliberately pushing them away from me all the time, the friends that’s not giving up on me and the love of my life, who once looked into my eyes and told me, Do you want to know the reason why God brings you here? He did it for me because I need you and you have to hang on because I need you.

And that’s why the knife is still inside the drawer and that’s why the walk to the pharmacy never took place at all and that’s why I woke up every day with a tiny shimmering light of hope in my heart that says just hang on, a little longer for yourself and for them. And that’s the reason for everything...


  1. I am glad you were able to cling on to hope. No matter what it is that happens, just keep going forward, just keep going on. Don't worry about the future, sooner or later it's the past.

  2. :O

    Never think about taking the coward's path ever again X-(

  3. Be glad you have a reason to pull you out at this moment of despair, be glad you aren't alone. Don't be scared by the future, it will pass too someday.

  4. life will goes on and this too will pass... never mind of anythng... just a keep a smile and be positive :)

  5. I am not going to go with ending your life lecture here. Though I want to advise you being familiar with the situation,it is worth "living" for the people who keep coming back to you and the one who longs to see your eyes sparkle.
    I realized this when all those who used to care for me grew tired of my attitude and slowly started distancing themselves, that I am the one putting everyone in pain. I started growing restless to hear those smiles and laughter that were replaced by a worried and confused expression.
    And last but not the least, I did not want to be a victim of circumstances. IT was just too low price of my life :)

  6. You're worth a gazillion happiness, you know that right :) Stuff happens, so what, the show must go on! I'm wrapping the warmest bear hug, promise you won't think that way again. Love!

  7. Hang in there. Things get better. They always do. :)

    I am new on your blog. Hope you can find time to visit mine. Maybe we could follow each other? :)

  8. you scared me :( why would you want to end your life? yes i think change is matter what, everything changes with time....

  9. T O S O M,

    Kindly remember :

    One should be own self and never put on a facade for any reason.

    Let past be PAST except for learning from mistakes made and live in future as per own conscience without unduly worrying about future which will be what it is to be. Put in your best efforts and accept results whatever those be.

    NEVER EVEN THINK OF ENDING YOUR LIFE. You may get away from your problems but do you realize what legacy you leave for near & dear ones?

    Take care

  10. Hello Hello.. what you writes... helps us.. and that would mean ending if for us too.. lots of love... and girl.. you are IT... lots and lots of love to you ...


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